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Harder Than Expected

“This path I’m on is harder than I expected. I hope I’m living up to your expectations. I’m trying my best to be of help to other women. Even if it’s just one.”

These words spoken so truthfully and beautifully by Linor are a mantra I go back to time and time again. I hold these words even closer tonight. My 28th birthday was 6 days ago and I’m left with the aching reality and pain knowing my entire family will not talk to me. I reported my abuse to the police 3 months ago. Within 24 hours it was picked up by a detective in the sex crimes unit. Within 2 days I was propelled into a whirl wind of what standing for my truth and healing really would be. One month ago the detective started investigating and bringing my family in for questioning. One month ago my family, by there own choice, stopped talking to me. From the beginning of my healing journey I have known my ultimate goal was truth. Speaking and living and to be in service to my truth. I knew it would be hard on my family, I knew they would need time to understand. I didn’t know it would be this hard. I didn’t know they would all choose to shut me out. But I do know I’m doing this in the name of truth. In the name of my healing. Some days are hard, especially days like my birthday when I spent all day checking my phone and email just hoping my mom had emailed me to wish me a happy birthday. It isn’t fair you know. I didn’t ask for this to happen. I didn’t report this to police plotting revenge against my brother. I’m doing it so I can sleep at night knowing I have done everything In my power to make sure what he did to me in my childhood for 6 years, what he did to my cousin for numerous years beyond her youth and then a friend 10 years ago, never happens to anyone again. I haven’t reported this to hurt anyone. Ive done it to protect others and to stand for myself where nobody else did. I hope I’m doing everything I can truthfully. I hope I’m living up to your expectations. The only thing that holds me some days when I feel so alone, is knowing I am not alone. Knowing that if all of what I a m doing helps only one person, I know I’ve done it in truth, I know I haven’t been silenced. No matter who will or will not stand behind me. I know I have survived and I will continue to thrive on my healing journey. I can’t do this any other way. Every day is an unknown. I’m not sure what will be brought up. What I will be asked to do in the name of healing. All I know is I said yes, I’m willing to stand against the oppression. I’m willing to speak out. I won’t give up my Why. Nobody can take it from me. It still hurts though. I never thought it would be like this. I didn’t think my mom would turn her back on me. I never asked her to choose. I never asked her to stop loving him, talking to him. Honestly, I didn’t ever ask for anything, I just hoped for her love. Not siding, not choosing, just compassion, just love. I can not control my family not speaking to me. But I will find new people, true people, to support me. This path I’m on is harder than I expected…

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