He was my best friend. He had loved me for years. I trusted him.
I was 18. We had just graduated high school. I went out drinking with some friends and he offered to be our designated driver. Later that night, when I got sick he offered to take care of me and help me get to bed. No one blinked an eye. Why would they? Why would someone who loved me the way he did ever take advantage?
I remember lying in bed. I was cold and shivering. So he held me. I can’t remember how it started, but he kissed me. I shied away and said no. He kissed me again and I told him I didn’t want to and that I loved my partner (currently out of town).
I was cold. He rubbed his hands all over my body. They were warm and it felt nice. He kissed me again. I felt bad. I just wanted him to be happy. He loved me and he said he had wanted this for a long time. I remember feeling like I owed him. He asked again and I said “ok”.
He was inside me. I kept thinking it will be over soon and then he will be happy. He turned me over. While my face was in the pillow I thought, how did I get here? Why was I letting this happen?
He finished on my back.
I don’t remember what happened next. I felt like a terrible person. It was all my fault. Right? I could have kept saying no. Instead, I said “ok”. That is consent, right?
— Survivor, age 25
Dear survivor – thank you so much for posting your story here. What happened to you is NOT your fault and you are NOT a terrible person. I’m not an expert but I think consent has to be giving without pressure for it to be real consent. You said no and he should have stopped there. You don’t have to say no a million times or for it to be violet for what he did to be wrong. I would encourage you to talk to a therapist or a counselor about what you’re feeling. Because like I said, what happened doesn’t make you a terrible person and I believe you can go on to heal. Sending you love, Alexis
to my surviving sister,
you are not alone and this was not your fault. you said no and everything should have stopped immediately–your word should have been your power, but he took that from you and manipulated you. for me, healing was reclaiming my voice–yelling until i believed that my voice was powerful again. i hope you find your voice again soon, the world is better for every woman who refuses to be silent in the face of adversity.
yours, beth