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He said he’d never do it again

First of all..I’m not a native speaker. I’m from Switzerland and somehow feel more comfortable with writing my story in English feels like it didn’t happen to ME but to someone else.
It started when I was 13…my family and my uncle’s family organize a meeting every 2-4 months. First my uncle (he’s 50) just touched my butt. And then it got worse and worse with time. He grabbed my breasts, and genital area and..then he started penetrating me. Only with his finger but it hurt anyway. I told him no and I tried to struggle but..I felt so pathetic because he isn’t even TALLER than me. I should have fought harder or screamed…but I never screamed because I didn’t want anyone to see. I was so embarrassed and felt guilty for my aunt..I mean, he cheated on her because of ME. He took my first kiss, my first sex, my pride and myself away. When I was 18 he raped me with his penis. I don’t know if the other acts with the finger-penetrating counts as rape as well…he held me down and had his way with me. That happened twice. For the next times he used his finger again, jerked off in front of me and so on. He said if he was younger he’d marry me. In 2015 it happened 8 times in 2016 seven times and in 2017 only twice. The last one was two months ago. The next meeting will be in September but I guess he lost his interests in me because it seems like he’s afraid that my aunt would notice anything. Once she almost noticed when i was about 17 or 18. He was so scared that he called me and said that he would never do it again. But he lied. Sometimes he organized that I slept at his house so I “could meet my cousins”. He then came almost every night to touch me and told me things like “last night I jerked off while thinking of you”. I don’t know how long I’ll be able to handle that kind of stuff but I did until now and that’s…fine I guess. I just wanna now whether…I can ever forget this? I’m afraid that I will have flashbacks even in 10 years…
I’m 21 now. In one month 22. I didn’t move out of my family’s house until now because i think that he’d come after me even more often when I live alone. I couldn’t tell anyone except my best friend because he said I’d destroy our families when I would. And that he would kill me or himself then.
This is my story..thank you for reading.


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