In January 2004 I went with my class and other classes of my former school to France for a school trip. We went by bus. It was an ten hour over night drive from Holland without sleep. When we arrived we where all divided by four to share apartments. Later that day we went out to get our skies and other necessary things. The evening was free and my former best friend was willing to spent it in another apartment of our male classmates who where giving a party. I decided to join her. Not even for myself because I was tired. I decided to go for her in case something would happened she won’t be alone. When we arrived at the apartment there was a lot of alcohol, music and just a few people. I accepted a drink(I normally don’t drink alcohol) and my former best friend went in a bedroom with her former boyfriend. I decided to wait for her. After a while I started to feel weird. I had no control over my body anymore. Before I actually could understand what was happening my classmate was touching me all over. In my head I knew I did not want him to touch me, but I had no longer control over my body. I remember a big part of it, but I could not do anything. He stole my virginity when I was 18 and even now 12 years later I am still to afraid to have sexual contact with men, I never had before and after it happened. Later I found out he drugged me with the rape drug GHB. I never told my parents but I went to the police. They could not help me because back then he was signed in under a false name at school. 8 years later we where standing face to face at my current job at a tax office. I Walker away and went to the police. They could not help me since my case was expired. Can anybody give me advice how to become myself again and start a life after all those years?
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Hey!
First of all – I need to say that I am impressed that you had the strength to go to the police (two times) by yourself.
And I am sorry to hear that your case was expired… I can understand that it depresses you.
But if you need someone to talk, you can do that on rainn.org.
RAINN offers fantastic help – via chat and telephone. 24/7. 🙂
They can help you finding e.g. a therapist or a counselor who can help you to find a way how to go on.
Remember that you are not alone – whatever you have to say, a lot of people will listen to you!
Best wishes,
Anna!
Thank you so much for sharing your story with Brave Miss World. Anna is right, RAINN.org is a fantastic resource. They even have a 24 hour online and phone based hotline to speak with someone. I will try to answer your question about how to start life again. I firmly believe that healing is possible. I believe that each survivor takes their own path to healing and to becoming themselves again. The healing journey can be very long, so the first thing I would offer is to be patient with yourself and the process. The second thing I would say is that speaking out and acknowledging what happened to you is a huge part of the healing process. What happened to you is zero percent your fault and there is no shame in what happened to you. Talking to others about your experience or writing about it can help put things in perspective for you. It never hurts to seek help, whether through RAINN or a network in your home country. Finally, the emotions surrounding surviving sexual violence can be complex and confusing. Allowing yourself to feel however you might feel and allowing yourself to move through those emotions is important. There is an entire community here to stand with you as you try to navigate the healing process. You can move beyond this and you can become yourself again. Rape often stays with you, but it doesn’t have to define you!!! You are very brave!
So sorry you had to experience this type of trauma. You might be able to find some form of healing at “After Silence.org”…it is a message board and chat room. There are different forums to post and reply to on many topics and I myself have found a new world of support. Seeking counseling might also be a good idea. Best wishes good luck with everything.