It is really hard for me to write this but I feel empowered by this website and All the stories I have read here. It took me a while to realize what happened but I think I was raped when I was 17.
I met Jon and he was a bit controlling, but I didn’t really think anything of it but after knowing him just two weeks he had always initiated a lot of sexual activity. Two weeks exactly after we met, he had sex with me even though I said I didn’t think I was ready. He said he loved me and I had no reason not to believe him and I feel like I let him have sex with me when I didn’t want it. I don’t know if this is rape or not and I am so confused. It was incredibly painful and he came inside me and made me bleed – he held my arms down and sort of pinned me down and did it again straight afterwards. I wasn’t on the pill and he didn’t use protection – he said he had come inside me once he might as well do it again.
Afterwards he drove me home and chatted like nothing had happened. I don’t know if he raped me or not. He pushed a note in my hand and told me to sort the morning after pill and made a joke about coming inside me.
I cried all night and all the next day.
The thing is, I stayed with him for six months because he took my virginity and I desperately wanted it to be special. He always initiated sex and made me do it in public places and in a toilet or a room where people were sleeping. I would tell him I had reservations but I also let it happen.
Then one day, he dumped me by text message and I still haven’t come to terms with what’s happened. I have had several one night stands since and can’t seem to progress past that, like I feel that’s all I am worth.
Can someone tell me please and help ME to understand. I beg you xx