It is really hard for me to write this but I feel empowered by this website and All the stories I have read here. It took me a while to realize what happened but I think I was raped when I was 17.
I met Jon and he was a bit controlling, but I didn’t really think anything of it but after knowing him just two weeks he had always initiated a lot of sexual activity. Two weeks exactly after we met, he had sex with me even though I said I didn’t think I was ready. He said he loved me and I had no reason not to believe him and I feel like I let him have sex with me when I didn’t want it. I don’t know if this is rape or not and I am so confused. It was incredibly painful and he came inside me and made me bleed – he held my arms down and sort of pinned me down and did it again straight afterwards. I wasn’t on the pill and he didn’t use protection – he said he had come inside me once he might as well do it again.
Afterwards he drove me home and chatted like nothing had happened. I don’t know if he raped me or not. He pushed a note in my hand and told me to sort the morning after pill and made a joke about coming inside me.
I cried all night and all the next day.
The thing is, I stayed with him for six months because he took my virginity and I desperately wanted it to be special. He always initiated sex and made me do it in public places and in a toilet or a room where people were sleeping. I would tell him I had reservations but I also let it happen.
Then one day, he dumped me by text message and I still haven’t come to terms with what’s happened. I have had several one night stands since and can’t seem to progress past that, like I feel that’s all I am worth.
Can someone tell me please and help ME to understand. I beg you xx
First and foremost, I just want to tell you how incredibly proud I am of you for having the courage to write your story on the Brave Miss World website. Trying to understand whether you were raped or not can be incredibly confusing and asking for help in such a public way takes so much strength.
I hope that my response here will be helpful for you. I firmly believe that each person who experiences something that can be considered sexual victimization or rape has to define what that is for themselves, just as each person has to decide whether or not to define themselves as a survivor. Each of us walks our own journey and I think it is important that part of that journey includes having the ability to define our experiences for ourselves.
That said, when someone engages in sex with you when you do not want to have sex, that is defined as rape. Just because someone doesn’t scream “NO” and just because someone doesn’t fight back, doesn’t mean the act (or acts) was consensual. Just because someone continues to date a person after the fact does not make it any less of a rape. When two people are dating, or they are friends, and this happens it can be far more confusing and difficult to put all the pieces together because the experience is different from what society considers “rape”. But again, if someone engages in sex with another person and that person did not want to have sex, it is rape.
In the end, you need to decide for yourself whether you will define what happened to you as rape. I hope that once you process through these pieces you will find that you are worth far more than one night stands. You are beautiful inside and out, even if you don’t feel like it. There is hope and healing is possible. Take one step at a time, one minute at a time.
You are dealing with a very confusing topic and time. Know that however you decide to define your experience, you are not damaged or weak in any way and that regardless of whether or not you define yourself as a survivor that there is an entire community here that supports you, acknowledges you, and believes you.
With light, love, and solidarity…