When i was 4 or 5my mom had a boyfriend that would touch me while i slept and i could never understand why, id had never remembered until i turned 7 when i, the once victim started to develop feelings that a young boy should not have, and, eventually started doing it to my cousin. I knew it was wrong and my body shook like i was having a seizure when i did it bit for some reason its like my mind was being controlled, like i HAD to do it and i hated myself everytime i am now 21 and me and her have come to terms with it after she told her dad and we all talked, but i still wish i could turn back the clock, that i could undo all the terrible things ive done, i still have nightmares…. But then again she might too. We are actually very close now and all is forgiven but i wish i could find the man that turned me into a monster that way i could beat the s*** out of him.and i wish her dad would have sent me away or something because i know i deserve it…
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you are not a bad person you were a tortured child who was merely mimicking something they had no idea about really but felt compulsed to do
Thank you SO MUCH for sharing this here. You do NOT deserve to be sent away; what you DESERVE is to heal. I’m really glad you’ve talked with your family and made peace but you are not a monster. It sounds like you still have a lot of healing to do and I would encourage you to talk to a therapist or a professional who can help you work through what you’re feeling. Your feelings toward your mom’s ex-boyfriend are completely valid but I do believe you can work through them and heal. You deserve that and I believe in you. Love, Alexis