One year ago I was supposed to go out with a bunch of friends from work to a holiday themed pop-up bar. I was on antibiotics for a bad infection and I was feeling pretty lousy, so instead I asked my friend Stephen H to drive me home. I was a wreck, and before it was time to go things took a turn for the worse. I started sweating heavily and I threw up and I was so dizzy. I don’t know why I got so sick but it was so bad that I passed out and was unconscious on the office floor. Later he told me that I turned gray and was barely breathing. My Fitbit showed that my heart rate dropped down to 42 bpm. I don’t understand why I wasn’t taken to a hospital. Instead I was taken home. I don’t remember much, just flashes here and there. I remember sitting on my bed trying to take my shoes off and he asked me if I wanted to cuddle. It sounds so creepy now, I should have known something was wrong. I don’t know if I responded at all, I remember slumping over on my side. After that I have two more flashes of memory. In one he is kissing me. In the other he is getting up off the bed, I am naked, and by his posture I can tell that he is holding onto the condom – you know how you’ve got to hold onto it so it doesn’t fall off inside? Like that. I remember thinking “Oh. that happened” and then nothing else until I really woke up the next day.
The few days after that were very confusing. My therapist says that I was trying to normalize the event by turning it into a good thing. I’m embarrassed now to say that I tried really hard to make it a funny story about how we finally got together after knowing each other for almost ten years. I was in denial. A few days later he admitted to me that he had “done a bad thing” and it was “a mistake.” Those words really don’t carry the gravity of the situation or paint a clear picture of what he stole from me. I had no opportunity to advocate for myself. To say no. To even question what was happening. He was my friend, supposedly a nice guy who I completely trusted to take care of me when I was unwell. Instead he took advantage of my altered state.
I’ve been suffering PTSD ever since. Nightmares, flashbacks, panic attacks. I wanted to wait to do anything until I sorted out my feelings and could understand better what happened. I may have missed the opportunity to press charges or lodge an official complain. I don’t know. It’s especially complicated because he is the son of one of the owners of the companies we worked for, so he has white privilege on his side and I while I knew that was bad I didn’t feel how scary that really is until now.
So it’s been a year. I avoided him at work for a long time and eventually left my job. I’m still healing and everyday is different.
Tomorrow I’m supposed to go to a holiday party and apparently he is going to be there with a date. I don’t know if I will go. To see him with another potential victim will be hard. Do I warn her? Do I give him space to be a better person? I still Don’t know the right thing to do.
— Eleanor, age 37
Dear Eleanor – thank you so much for posting your story here. Please try not to be embarrassed by turning it into a funny story. I completely agree with your therapist that it’s pretty normal and getting through a situation like that is really hard. And dealing with others’ reactions to telling them can be really hard as well. I’m grateful that you’re seeing a therapist and that you’ve been able to leave your job. Healing is definitely not linear and I’m proud of you for doing the work.
I know I saw this after the holiday party but the truth is that anything he does is NOT ON YOU. You can’t warn someone against every possible thing and if something does happen it’s STILL not on you. I don’t think there is a right or wrong way to approach it. You may no longer be able to report but first you have to decide if that’s something you want to do. It’s a really personal decision and there is no right or wrong way. Maybe worth talking to your therapist about.
Sending you lots of love, Alexis