He Was My Friend

It’s been six years since it happened. I only recently started to deal with it, before I just felt like it was all a big mistake. Because I denied it, I never went to the hospital or police and I regret never reporting it. One reason why I don’t want to pursue charging him now is because I know there is no evidence and it would be my word against his. And partly because I am afraid. I’m afraid to face him, I’m afraid that I won’t be believed, and I’m afraid to let people know. I didn’t feel like I had a right to be upset over it, that it wasn’t really that big of a deal, and that it wasn’t “Real Rape.” Because he didn’t hit me, leave marks or bruises on me, he didn’t threaten me, I didn’t think at first that it was rape.

I first knew him in junior high and my friends and I would party with him and his friends, he actually dated one of my close friends when we were in grade 9. He was a year older so he was in high school at that point. We were mainly acquaintances but I did call him a friend. After high school if I saw him around we would talk, I liked him as a friend and got along with him. After high school he became a cop.

Six years ago I started pursuing a job in corrections and I was also interested in entering the police force. I remember talking to him about it and asking him questions about his job and he was giving me advice on how to pursue a job in the police force. One weekend he texted me or called I don’t remember but he asked me to meet up with him and his friends at Boston Pizza. At the time my son was just under 1 years old and he was spending the weekend with his dad. I had my place all to myself and not much going on so I met up him. As soon as I got there he bought me a drink and pretty much fed me drink after drink after drink. We decided to leave Boston Pizza for some reason, it was me, him and and his friend. I don’t remember where we were going but at some point I threw up in his car in the backseat and threw up on myself as well. So then we decided to drive back to my place so I could change, and because I didn’t get out very much I didn’t want the night to end. We all went up to my place and I got changed but I don’t remember a whole lot after this point. I remember that him and I kissed and then he told me his friend wanted to go home so he was going to drive him home and come back. Then the next thing I remember is that I am naked on my bed with him on top of me. I don’t believe much had happened before this point because I do remember saying to him that I didn’t want to have sex. I remember him reassuring me that we wouldn’t and not to worry about it. I don’t know if I was passing out in between but the next thing I remember was that he was having sex with me. At this point I don’t know why I didn’t tell him to stop, I think that because he was already doing it I felt that there was no point in protesting. That’s another thing I regret not doing, I regret not telling him to stop and then going along with it because it was already happening. I know I didn’t want to so I don’t know why I just let it happen at that point. I remember but he just stopped and didn’t want to anymore and I was kind of confused as to what happened. Not that I wanted to do it I just didn’t understand what was happening. I remember then lying in bed with him there just talking like nothing that happened. I remember him telling me but he was engaged and I was even more confused of what was going on. I think I was just all confused because I was drunk but also because I didn’t look at him in that way and I wasn’t interested in being intimate with him or having a romantic relationship. But the next thing I remember is waking up in my bed in the morning by myself super hung over. And for some reason I thought that I was a part of all of it and that maybe I initiated it with him. I was mad at myself because I know I didn’t want to have sex with him but I did, it wasn’t like me to just randomly sleep with a guy. I told a couple friends but I made it seem like a drunken mistake because at the time that’s how I was feeling it was. One friend I talk to about it with she actually told me that it sounded like rape. I don’t remember what I said to her then but I know I just shrugged it off and then I didn’t really think about it much after that until recently. I had also seen her around again shortly after and I would be nice to him and give him a hug and just act like nothing happened. That’s another thing I regret is that I acted like it was OK, it’s not like I feel I should yell and scream at him but at least I’ll be super friendly and acted like we were still friends.

I didn’t realize how it had affected me until years later. After that, I would sleep with a guy on the first date or have a one night stand which really wasn’t like me. A couple times, I slept with guys that I didn’t want to but I was completely aware of what was going on and it was consensual prep for some reason I just went with it. That’s when I started to think about what happened to me the first time and that I did say no and that it wasn’t consensual.

So now I started to see a counselor at a place called Klinic where they have counselors there that you can talk to about sexual assault. I’ve only gone a few times and haven’t been back but I plan on going again because I feel it does help a bit. It’s weird because since I started to realize what actually happened, now It’s been bothering me in other ways. If I think about it I get sick to my stomach, if I see anyone that resembles him I get sick to my stomach, and I’ve been feeling anxious lately and I’ve never had anxiety before. I just at times feel like I’m overreacting because my situation is nowhere near as bad as what others have gone through so I don’t know why it bothers me so much. Even when I wasn’t thinking about it I’m pretending that it didn’t really happen it’s still was affecting me and my relationships with guys without me even realizing it. It’s like sex has no meaning to me anymore I’m not it’s not something special. I hope sometime I can get that back where I feel sex is intimate and not something you do just because.

— Survivor, age 33