My girlfriend and I have been dating for a little over two years. When we first started dating she told me that she had been raped and was very matter of fact about it. The only details she gave me was that it was someone in her family.
Fast forward a few months and she introduces me to her mother, step father, and siblings at a family dinner. Her parents where extremely nice and she seems to have a good relationship with both of them. Throughout the night though she seems to get more uncomfortable and when her mom says that we can spend the night (in different rooms) instead of making the almost two hour drive home she freaks out says we have to go. We leave and she doesn’t say anything all the way home.
I never pressed her for information until a few a few days ago when we went to visit them for her mothers birthday and she refused to stay the night again. I asked her why she freaked out the first time and why she refused there offer again. She wouldn’t talk to me. In the back of my mind i knew the answer. The way she always gets uncomfortable when she receives a text message from her step father saying she should come visit or when he hugged her at dinner that night and she became absolutely still. In some ways it fit and in others it didn’t. She speaks of him as though he could do no wrong, but also admits that he is flawed. She says that she loves how happy he makes her mom.
When I finally asked her if he was the one who raped her she just stared at me and nodded. When she finally gave me details I wanted to cry. He had not only raped her, but had molested her several times from as young as 5 and then off and on until she moved out on her 16th birthday to live with her biological father. At first she told me she didn’t remember it happening when she was little, but when he started doing it again it all came back to her. He had also threatened her saying that if she told he would divorce her mom who gave up her career to raise there children. She also told me that she was afraid he would do it to her younger sister who’s adopted.
I hate this man. I hate how he makes her ever present smile disappear and how he has made her feel insecure in her own body. I hate how she has nightmares about those nights and wakes up drenched in sweat. When I told her she should report him she said it would just tear her family apart. She said she was afraid her mother and her step siblings would hate her for putting him in jail. Truthfully I don’t know how to help her. Should I speak to someone? I don’t feel as though I can just let this go unsolved.
First of all – I want you to know that standing by her, listening, and not judging your girlfriend is more helpful than I can even express. It’s so hard to say how to help her and I am not an expert so I’ll give you some thoughts. The first is that rape is the complete loss of control, so reporting it without her permission might bring back that loss of control. Reporting doesn’t necessarily result in any sort of punishment, especially in cases with minimal evidence, and a trial can be long and extremely grueling for the victim. Therapy can be really helpful in getting someone who *is* an expert to guide her through her feelings and help her get to a place where she can decide if she wants to report. It sometimes takes a few tries to find the right therapist so encouraging her while she’s doing that is important. Healing from what she went through takes time and letting her cry when she needs to, or talk when she needs to, is probably the best thing you can do for her. You might also send her to this board to read the stories of others; maybe it will help her feel less alone. All the best, Alexis
I am not an expert, but something must be done NOW to protect her adopted younger sister
Dear Hidden,
I don’t know what to say. Part of me wants to tell you that you should go to her mom and tell her because the man is dangerous to the other girls in the house.
Part of me wants to ask. Does her mom love her? I ask this genuinely. If you think her mom loves her, really loves her. I think she will stand with her daughter. She will be distraught to find out that her husband is not the man she thought and that he abused her daughter, undoubtedly. She will have many confusing horrible emotions. It will be terrible.
What he is saying to her about threatening to divorce her mother… her mom would undoubtedly divorce him if she knew.
Her not having a career I could see as a concern but she would likely be able to get money from a divorce and she could get a job, there are probably resources available to help. Perhaps get in contact with a social worker for advice?
Will it hurt the family to know? Yes. But it isn’t your girlfriend causing the hurt. It is her step fathers actions causing the pain not her telling people about his actions.
Your girlfriend has no reason to lie about this and break up her family. There would be no reason for her to make it up. I don’t think her mother would hate her or not believe her.
I think she would feel horribly sad for her daughter and probably horribly guilty for trusting the man who hurt her.
I know if it was me, if I was in the mom’s position, I would want to know. With every fiber of my being I would want to know so I could protect my daughter from further harm and pain, to protect my other daughter.
I would want to know because I wouldn’t want my life to be a lie.
I repeat any pain that comes from her story being told. It isn’t her fault. It is her step fathers fault.
I want to say don’t wait until her younger sister has been hurt too.
I think that if the story is never told she will never feel comfortable being around her family.
I also think all of what Alexis said is important. All of it.
I don’t know any of the people in this story, I don’t know how much danger her younger sister is in.
I don’t know that there is a right answer in these sorts of things. What is the exact right action? We just have to try and muddle through. See what happens.
I wish you luck in supporting your girlfriend,
– Concerned