When I was 15 I became very close to my uncle because I felt he was the only one who understood me. I loved him so much. We were best friends and never in a million years did I ever think of him in any other way other than my uncle and best friend. It never crossed my mind that he thought any different than me.
He played my love for him against me. I never seen it coming it was a normal day together an he had offered me a drink. I’m not a drinker so with just a couple drinks I wasn’t feeling OK. I played down an he came in acting strange and that was the first time I felt like something is not OK. He would say to me, “What you don’t love me? If you do, you won’t tell.” That kind of talk went on for awhile. I thought he’s just being stupid but when I figured out what was next I tried to get up. I tried to run and he locked me in.
The worst feeling is not being able to scream and not being able to protect myself from a monster. I trusted and loved. He took my love and used it against me. He would beg me the next day, “don’t tell. They will kill me in prison,” I held it in for 3 months going insane because I wasn’t OK I didn’t no want to feel or anything.
In court, he didn’t look my way and he just kept smirking an when I read my statement everything about him changed. He broke down crying an starred at me. I just turned away and walked out.
I can’t explain what I felt. The depression and anger and confusion. Just everything is so much to handle because I can’t understand half the things I feel. I can never forget that night, its burned in my head. I am terrified of every guy now and I lost all my friends and some of my family. They didn’t believe he did that and they told me I did it. I deserve to be in prison. I was called horrible names everyday and online.
I lost every one and everything. He took something from me I can never get back he took away my life. It has been almost two years now and I’ve tried counseling. I tried just about everything and I continue to get worse because I can’t understand it. I blame myself. No one should ever have to feel the touch of their uncle or any family member or anyone. Cause what it does to them is something we can’t ever come back from. You won’t ever be the same. Its indescribable.
I really appreciate how open you are about the emotions you are feeling and have felt since that night. The emotions surrounding sexual victimization are really complex, especially when the perpetrator is someone you care about. Moving through life after an experience like this with the loss of trust, friends, and family, is even more difficult and confusing. I just want you to know that depression, anger, confusion, and whatever other emotions you are feeling, are completely normal responses to an experience like this.
What happened to you is not your fault and you are never to blame for what happened to you. I hope that by sharing your story with Brave Miss World that you find some comfort in knowing that we believe you and that we stand with you. The aftermath of sexual victimization can make you feel hopeless and lost in darkness, but I can tell you that it does get better. Try to be patient and kind to yourself and with your emotions. I understand you when you say that this is something that we can’t ever come back from, but I want you to know that healing is possible and that even though it might feel like you can’t come back from this, you can. I think that parts of trauma stay with survivors, but that we can make sense of it and incorporate it into a part of who we are. This does not have to define you. I am sending positive and healing thoughts in your direction, wherever that might be.