Holding My Feelings In

I’m not really sure how this website works with helping people out but here it goes, I had my very first boyfriend, my first “true” “love” we were dating for almost 2 years. We did have sex but this night was completely different, we were at a concert and everything was great just like any other time after the concert I was exhausted an just wanted some sleep I called my mom begging her to let me stay at his house for the first time after I convinced her we wasn’t going to be sleeping in the same bed, we got in the bed and went to “sleep” I woke up to him doing things to me that I didn’t want him doing I didn’t fight back, yell or push him off only because I was in shock and lost for words. after it was over I asked him what he was doing an he said “nothing I wasn’t doing anything” . I got up an went to the couch in the living room an cried, I didn’t call anyone and I didn’t tell anyone, I mean who would believe me right? And stupid me stayed with him? Why? I have no idea why. Maybe because he was my first everything and I was scared to lose that or was it because I was scared things would escalate to worse things, I don’t know. I never done anything about it, an I still haven’t. I could have only because I have the screenshots of him admitting what he had done to me. A few months later I left, only because he was cheating on me with my “friend”. Months an months go by and I find someone new, I didn’t love him I was searching for someone to fill the hole in my heart, turns out he was only searching for my button to my pants. He was crazy, an when I say crazy I mean mentally abusing me, in awful ways. He hacked into my phone and my facebook, he found the screen shots of mine an my “first true loves” messages to him admitting to what he did to me, ( by this time 2 people knew my story, my cousin an my best friend) he told me if I didn’t sleep with him he would send the screen shots to social media, my parents my family and everyone he knew, he forced me to sleep with him an I mean it when I say forced, he put me in such a bad place in my life where I tried committing suicide multiple times and they all failed, so not only did I get raped once but twice in the matter of 1 year. The news eventually broke out to my parents and my aunts not because I wanted them to know but because of boyfriend #2 sent them the screen shots. I never done anything to get justice. They only reason why the screen shots got out is because I couldn’t handle the abuse anymore so I left and tried blocked him on everything so he took it to the next level an sent it. It’s been 3 years it still haunts me, gives me nightmares. I feel worthless and alone most of the time. I just want someone to really understand me. But I honestly don’t think that’s ever gonna happen, I don’t know when to talk about it, how to talk about it because I FEEL like nobody actually understands. I just need help.

— Survivor, age 18