Holiday Rape

So I went on holiday with my best friend. I’d just come out of a long term relationship and she thought a girls holiday would cheer me up. I was 20 at the time, I’m now 21. On the second night we got ready to go out, and a group of lads from our hotel invited us over to pre-drink with them before going out on the strip. We played drinking games, and that is pretty much all I remember.

To this day I don’t know if I was drugged, but my memory of the night is near non-existent, but i do know that the lads themselves took drugs.

My side of the story: I remember not being able to move, I remember being told by one of the lads (I don’t know there names) come on Alex you need to move. I remember being dragged off the bed with no clothes on and kicked outside to the pool area of the hotel. I had no key to my room, everything was hazy. I remember being in pain, and I remember bits of one of the lads raping me. I remember it hurt and I wanted it to stop but I couldn’t move or speak.

My friends side of the story: My friend told me a few days after the when the lads had gone back home what happened. She said three of the lads had sex (raped) me while I was unconscious. One after another, apparently their exact words were it’s my turn now, as one left the room another entered. She walked in to try and stop what was happening and saw me unconscious, knocked out naked on the bed. She said she tried to get me up but I was like a stone, just out cold and unable to move.
The thing that upsets me most is that she didn’t stop it from happening. She left me there, she saw me there naked and unconscious and knew what was happening yet didn’t make it stop. Instead she went out to the clubs with the other 2 lads as there was five of them.

I blamed myself for what happened and didn’t class it as rape until my doctor told me that it is classed as rape. They left me with cuts and sores down there that were so painful i couldn’t even sit down. I got herpes and chlamydia from them as well.

It hurts to know I was treated like that, like an animal or a piece of meat that everyone wanted a taste of. It hurts that my so called best friend let this happen to me. None of my family know that this happened, only my very closest friends. Now when I sleep with new people I get panic attacks as it takes me back to that moment in time.

Sometimes I wish I had someone to talk to who knows what its like to go through this, who understands my situation. Some people who I have told have blamed me for what happened and it makes me question whether I was raped. But I didn’t ask for that to happen to me, I didn’t want that to happen to me. I was unconscious, yet it’s still hard not to feel like it was my own fault.