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I Accepted My Past

I don’t remember excatly when or how it was happened. I was 5-6 years old, I lived a little village and with others childrens I guess we played in the neighborhood. I remember there was in a fields a hut ( like we do when we are young ). I don’t know who is come to search me, but he told me that I could play with them but I had to come in the hut. I guess I was happy I can play with others childrens like a normal child. When I arrived under the hut, my neighbor was 15 or 16, he was in the middle and there was many childrens of my age ( I think ) all around him and all of them was pants down. It’s unclear so it’s difficult to tell, sorry. I remember just one sentence who he told me : “You must to put your mouth here until I tell you to stop, all little girl must to doing this”. I don’t even know if I tried to escape me, but when adults was arrived, too late he had what he wanted.
I don’t know if I have already tell my story completly. I only had vague memories, flashbacks. I’ve always been a little girl in my bubble in my imaginary world. I think this is why I have long thought it was just a bad nightmare, it was only a figment of my imagination. When I was 9 or 10 years old, I ask to my mom : “Mom I would to know, remember you of boy who hurt me ? What’s his name ?” She answer me : “What are you talking ?”
So since this days I think I forget this story days after days. But I don’t sad or angry towards my mom about this, she is a very strong and brave woman.
When I was in high school I had a depression to 18 at 19 years old, I don’t know how but a day I am going to school and I was called by a substitutes directress who said me, that if I didn’t come to school again, they cast out me of school. At this moment I didn’t care of live so… I don’t know how but she read in my eyes, she saw my sadness without ask for help. And since I’m not depressed anymore. I think god has put this angel in my way at the right time. She allowed me to found the faith.
There’s some month of that, I am visit my brother for a party with my cousin ( I don’t know him since a long time ). I was so happy to see him, to know him.
There was a man, a colleague of him. He was drunk so my cousin and I we insisted for he don’t take his car and sleep here. At the end of party, my brother and my cousin went go to bed. Me I was in the kitchen with him. He was so sad and so drunk, he told me that her wife was dead. So I just wanted to listen him, to be here for him,to make him smile. He ask me if I had a boyfriend, I had answer “No and I don’t want a boyfriend”. He ask me why, I told him that “I’ve a story too.” And at once he tried to kiss me. I told him “no I don’t want. I’m still awake because you needed to talk. You should go to sleep sincerely”. So I go to bed with my cousin in the room of my bro. I started to sleep when I feel a hand on my legs. It was him! I told him : ” Please, leave me and let me sleep”. I started to sleep finally next to my cousin. And he came back, next to my cousin who sleeping, he started to touch me in thinking that it was my cousin (I guess…). I didn’t want that he hurt her. I wanted to protect her, I was like paralyzed, I couldn’t say a word . He touched me with his fingers everywhere. I prayed god to help me and I don’t know how I started to shout him, to push him, he fell out of bed. After that he’s gone very fast. It wasn’t really the first party with my brother that I had thought.
But I understand with this second story that I can say “NO”. It’s my body, my life, my choice. I am not a sex object. And this time I am an adult, I can to pursuit him in justice.
The most important for all womens and mens is to be listening. We must explain to people who live something like that, that it’s not normal, that it’s not correct. Sex is only for love, with our love. Nobody can touch us if we don’t agree, if we don’t want it.
I know that it’s not my fault. I learn every day to not feel me guilty or ashamed.
We are brave, we are strong. I believe that we can break the silence. Thank you to read my story, I talk too much. And thank you for this site where we can talk without judgment.

A survivor among many others.

— India, age 21

1 comment

  • Alissa Ackerman

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