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I Blame Myself

I’ve never really came around to tell many people about my story, only because I’m always too embarrassed to repeat the horrid things that happened this night, but I think it’s time to finally share it.

A couple of years ago, it was my senior year in high school. Everything was going to be perfect, it was my last year and I was going to be able to experience what it was like to finally have senior privileges. This year I was given a lot more freedom than what I usually had, and I’ve honestly never been the party type, but I wanted to try out new things. Some guys texted me of a hangout that was going down, and I dragged my bff to go check it out with me. Once we stepped into the house, there was no girls in sight, so of course we thought it was awkward. My bff thought we should leave, but I begged her to stay and have fun. (This is where I started to blame myself) I know alcohol is dangerous and can lead to awful things, but I wanted to look cool, so I was dared to drink an entire bottle of whiskey. (Big mistake) I thought I was making myself look popular, but I was actually becoming a target for a couple of the guys in the room. The next minutes were a blur, arm and arm, two guys picked me up and carried me into a bedroom. They of course locked the door, and then here I was alone with three guys that I barely knew. I was then taken advantage of, sexually, mentally, and physically. In the meantime, my bff was being distracted, so the whole time she had no idea where I was at. A couple minutes went by, which felt like hours and luckily my friend ended up banging and screaming on the bedroom door. I honestly never thought I was going to get out of there, I felt so used and disgusting. I blamed myself for taking my friend and I to this hangout, and I never felt so terrible before in my life. The worse part of it all was since I was intoxicated, I didn’t remember everything that happened to me. The next day, all of what happened that night was posted on social media by every guy that was there.

I’ve never felt so miserable, my whole entire grade was talking about it for days. For the next couple of weeks I wore baggy clothes, I didn’t go anywhere, and I rarely talked to my friends/family. Each and everyday is a struggle, some days there’s tears and other days I actually feel normal. I have nightmares about it all the time, and I still blame myself for putting myself in this situation. Being abused is scary to live with, and it’s not a joke. It hurts you deep inside, it messes with your emotions, your trust, and even with your daily routines. I started talking with a therapist, and I promise you I’m getting better by the day.

I know talking about these moments are truly difficult, but if you or anyone you know has been abused please get them the help that they need.

— Survivor, age 19

1 comment

  • Alexis


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