Rape. That’s something that I always heard of, but never really thought that it would happen to me. Everyone assumes rape is forced and you’re being held captive, it’s not all that. When I was 14, I started dating this guy. He had asked me multiple times before if I wanted to have sex with him, I told him no and left it be. I went over to his house a lot, and this one time a few weeks later, I decided that I wanted to have sex. I was 14 and a virgin. We went to his bedroom, and we had sex. I didn’t think much of it, well every week he would ask me if I wanted to have sex, I told him no multiple times and he would keep asking. I gave in every time, and we ended up having sex every time I went to his house. This one specific time, that haunts me now.. I went to his house to hang out and to no surprise, he asked me again, I told him no, and he left it be then he asked again and again and again. I gave in once again.. This time was different, in the middle of everything happening, I started crying. He stopped and asked what was wrong. I told him “I feel like a sex object and that you don’t love me.” He replied with “I will always love you, I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’m sorry.” I thought he was serious with everything that he had. I was wrong. Without asking (it wouldn’t have mattered anyway.) He just went for it, he flipped me onto my stomach and held my arms down with tears running down my face, he rapes me.
I didn’t know that everything that I was put through was considered rape. I didn’t know that saying no first, then just giving up, was considered rape. I blamed myself for so long, because I thought it was my fault for not breaking up with him or leaving, I don’t talk much about anything that happened, because I’m still ashamed. It’s almost been 2 years since everything that happened.
— Survivor, age 16
Dear survivor – thank you so much for sharing your story here. Even though you might feel ashamed, I promise you that what happened to you is not your fault. Sometimes the only way to get through something is to stop fighting but that DOES NOT MEAN you gave consent. You said no; that’s enough. I know 2 years feels like a long time and it is a long time to keep all of those emotions bottled inside of you. I would encourage you to see a therapist or talk to someone about what happened to you. A therapist is trained to help you navigate what you’re feeling and help you overcome the shame you’re feeling. The shame is his; not yours – but it can take a lot of work – and time – to get to that place. I’m really proud of you for sharing here and I know you can get through this. I believe in you! Love, Alexis