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I called him my friend

It was a dated function.
This guy was my friend.
I showed up,
and was given lots of vodka.

Thats all I remember.
I woke up.
4am.
I’m in his bed,
with his clothes on.
I turned over and saw him there,
staring at me.
He climbed on top of me.
It happened so fast.
He took his pants off,
lifted my legs up,
and stared me straight in the eyes.
He didn’t even try to kiss me.
It hurt.
All I could do was turn my head.
I cried.

It ended.
I was scared.
Did you use a condom?
Yes, he said.
I closed my eyes.

7am.
The A-team was playing.
He said,
“I saved your ass last night.”
Supposedly, I puked everywhere last night…
He drove me home.
I cried some more.

Was I drugged?
Did I lead him on?
Did he mean to do that?
He said sorry when I told him I didn’t like that.
He said SORRY.
But, he just thought I regretted it.
He didn’t understand that I didn’t give consent.
Does no answer mean no?
I thought it did.
I didn’t know I had to say no,
or I had to push him off.
What if I did say no?
Would this have happened?
I was frozen.
I was scared.
Who knows what he would have done
if I reacted badly.
Who knows.

Matt, you ruined me.
I have this story now.
People look at me differently.
No one wants to date the girl
that got raped.
Now, I’m so desperate to find some true love.
So desperate,
that,
no guy makes me happy.
If they do one wrong thing
I freak out.
I’m a mess because of you.

I drink away my problems.
I have sex with any guy that touches me.
I regret it the next day.
I am distant from my friends.
I am distant from my family.
No one understands why.
I tell people I am the person
that likes to move on.
People ask me how I’m doing
and I said that I’ve moved on.
I haven’t.

Matt, you give me nightmares.
I haven’t slept well in months.
My heart hurts.
My brain hurts.
I feel alone.
Nobody is there
that I want to talk to.
I feel like nobody understands.

It is so hard to talk about this in person.
I only told one person.
I had them tell other people for me.
My parents don’t know.
I’m scared people will judge me.
They’ll think I just drank too much.
They’ll think it’s just a stunt for attention.
They will say the wrong thing.
I don’t want people to look at me differently,
but they do.
Because of you.

I reported it
but I never said your name.
So, you’re welcome.
I didn’t press charges because of me.
I wanted to move on.
I also didn’t want people to know about it.
I’m embarrassed.
I feel gross.
I want you to pay
but I don’t know how you can pay.
I wish you knew how I felt.
I wish you never did this to me.
I don’t even know if you know what you did wrong.

Here I am today writing this
because I need this written in words.
You changed my life
and I hope you never change anyone elses.
You are a junior.
I see you once in a while on campus.
I avoid you.
I want you to graduate.
I want you to move far away.
I never want to see you again.
I hope you know what you did wrong
and I hope you never do it again.
I want to charge you but
I still get this feeling
that you really made a mistake.
I called you my friend.
And I never thought you would hurt me
so bad.
It is so hard to think
that you actually did this to me.
I feel betrayed.
I feel like I can’t trust anyone.
I feel like I can never love anyone.

October 15th
was the worst day of my life.
You ruined that day for me
for the rest of my life.
Thank you.

2 comments

  • Matt
  • Alexis

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