I was about 6 or 7 when my mom got a serious boyfriend and he lived with us. He was nice to.. a little too nice. He was friendly but too friendly. He would buy me things, and want things in return. It was just touching me, kissing my neck.. and then some. I know he did more to me I know there’s more but my mind goes blank. But when I see him around my town I freeze, literally. It’s the scariest thing I’ve ever experienced. That’s how I know something went wrong. After fourth grade, I was disgustingly depressed, cut, burned, binged than threw up. Tried to end my life so many times if it wasn’t for my cousin I wouldn’t be here right now. But over time, I’ve remembered piece by piece but not the whole picture. I want to remember but I’m too afraid.
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I am like you in that I don’t remember everything that happened to me. My parents are wonderful people who have always wanted to protect me wherever I was. But they couldn’t do that in school. There were several boys in elementary school, one in particular that would corner me, block me and try to feel me up. One day, a boy that my was the son of an aquaintance of my mom, held me down on the merry-go-round. He choked me, climbed on top of my and was rubbing himself against me while holding my head off the edge of the merry go round. Things like this would happen on and off until middle school. I would tell teachers and they would not do anything. I was afraid my parents would not believe me, so to this day they only know about some bullying. They do not know that any of it was sexual. I have been living with this for so long. I am grateful for your story. I have to admit that I feel very ashamed that while so many here have had horrifying experiences that I can only remember being touched or bullied. I just need to hear that I am not crazy for being so affected by this.
It is okay to be afraid. Know that the healing journey can be very long and that your mind will bring you the pieces it needs to when you are ready for it. It can be frustrating and scary, but your mind will not fail you. If you don’t remember parts of it, it is okay.
There are great resources available to help you navigate this journey. If you need/ want any resources, please respond back to this post and I will be happy to offer you some sources.
I’m sending light and love your way.
It’s pretty amazing that you have held so much confusion and pain inside you for so long. Thank you for being brave and sharing your story now. It sounds as though you are a lot older now….please, tell someone close to what happened to you. It’s scarey, but it will help release more of the pain and keep you moving towards being the stronger one, and help you realise that HE was the weak one to prey on such an innocent, beautiful little girl. Stay brave….you are stronger than you know!