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I Dated My Rapists

I was raped three times in my life. After seeing the documentary Brave Miss World and hearing Joan Collins, from the film, who married her rapist, it resonated a lot with me.

I was first raped when I was 16 years old by my boyfriend. I was a virgin waiting for marriage. I was so innocent and I felt that everything was robbed from me. He took me on a romantic date on a beach to have night picnic with wine. I was 16 and should not have been drinking and should not have lied to my mother about where I would be. We started making out heavily and he asked me to take off my underwear. I said no, but he begged me and pleaded with me until I gave in. I told him that I was not having sex because I was not ready. He claimed that he just wanted to feel skin to skin. He laid me down, held my wrist down and became an animal. I yelled stop! STOP! But he penetrated and took my virginity and it was so painful physically and mentally; I felt defeated. He stopped a few minutes later when he felt the stream of blood everywhere. He told me, “I think you got your period.” I told him, “You know this is not my period, how can you do this to me?” I took off and he ran to me to tell me that he would commit suicide that night if I told anyone or wouldn’t forgive him. For months I continued dating him. I was dating my rapist! We never had intercourse again. I felt withdrawn and began drinking a lot. I did not care about myself because I felt worthless. It killed me to know that I would never give my husband the purest me I could have given. It took a while for me to tell people. Only one person believed me and helped me through this. My mother simply said, “You know you wanted it, you don’t have to say it was rape.” Others did not have much of a reaction. He never paid for his crime and I never felt he felt any remorse.

I decided the next person that I will have sex with will be my husband. That same summer, I met a guy on a summer vacation. We began a long distance relationship. Both his parents passed away and he told me that I was his soul mate and that besides his grandma I was all he had. The next summer I went to visit him. He invited me out and despite my mother’s wishes I left the house to go to a club. We drank, dance, and made out the entire night. He walked me home like a complete gentlemen I thought. I was around the corner from my parent’s house and he pushed me into a dark yard of a house that was under construction and pushed against the wall and raped me. This time I said I will fight harder. I hit him and punched him so hard and he didn’t stop. I yelled, but no one came to my rescue. A few days passed, the anger inside me was growing more and more. I called him and he picked up his phone very nonchalant like nothing happened. I felt like I was in the twilig ht zone. Was this the way that relationships were? Is this the norm? Will I always get forced to have sex? I began dating my rapist once again; very much like the first relationship I did not want to have sex. The following summer I went back to see him and he drugged me and rapped me. My body was lifeless but my mind wasn’t. I kept wanting to stop him, but couldn’t. I dated my rapist for five years, from STDs to an abortion; I contemplated killing myself because I still felt worthless. I filled up my bathtub and submerged myself underwater. I thought if I drown in here, it wouldn’t be half bad. I was beyond depressed. I later found out that a young girl who was a virgin, had pressed charges against him and his family paid off the family to keep him out of jail. He never paid for his crimes.

My only support system was my cousin who I confined in the first time and my now husband. I want young girls and any women or man who has been raped to call for help and have that person pay for what he/she has done! Find support because most people will dismiss you, not believe you, or simply pretend like it never happened. I now have a baby girl who I vow to protect her so that no one does this to her!

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