It has now been almost a year since it happened. As the year mark creeps closer, the memories of that night and the following day flood my mind. I don’t even know what happened. Some would say it’s my own fault to have gotten myself in such a position. I’ve said the same thing to myself. Even now I still feel an overwhelming guilt. If I hadn’t have had that last drink, maybe I would remember the night. I made that decision, to put myself in that condition. But I know I was falling all over the dance floor. He had to have known I was too drunk. I don’t even remember at what point in the night I met him or how we ended up at his apartment. I don’t recall even being in a car. I have vague recollections of the act. Maybe he thought I was enjoying myself. Maybe I was asking for it. But I don’t even remember what he looked like. I woke up the next morning not knowing where I was. I was in a stranger’s bed, naked. He shook me awake and said he had somewhere to be. He probably doesn’t know he raped me. I went to the bathroom. There was blood on the tissue paper. My asshole was bleeding. I don’t know what happened. Was it his idea or mine? I don’t even know if I can blame him. Drunk me is such a slut. He probably thought I wanted it. Is it my fault? I remember taking a Lyft home at 9 in the morning. He had just kicked me out. I was somewhere in midtown, but I don’t know how I got there. I don’t know how to feel. For the past year, I’ve tried to bury the memories, pretend it didn’t happen. Only 4 other people know about it. I couldn’t even tell my therapist. But its almost the anniversary and I just can’t stop thinking about it. I feel so alone. I want everyone to know and nobody to know. How do I cope with this. I don’t even know his name.
— Lianna, age 21
Yes he knew he raped you, he is a criminal and a predator and he knew exactly what he was doing. No, what happened to you was NOT YOUR FAULT, he planned it, he is evil and you are good and nice and NOT NOT a slut – never again say a work like that in relation to yourself as it’s not true. Yes, feel like a good person and a HERO as you care about and help others. No, his name means nothing as he is worth nothing and you are worth EVERYTHING and more !
Dear Lianna – thank you so much for sharing your story. First of all, I want to acknowledge that anniversaries can be really hard. It’s not unusual for the memories to start creeping in when the anniversary of something comes around; nothing has to happen specifically. You are absolutely not a slut; it doesn’t matter how many drinks you had – NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO DO ANYTHING WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT. It’s really interesting what you wrote about wanting no one and everyone to know. I completely relate to that.
I would really encourage you to tell your therapist. They can help you with coping techniques around the anniversary and also help you with the guilt you’re feeling. The guilt is his but it’s perfectly normal that you’re feeling it. You can heal from this. I believe in you. Sending you so much love, Alexis
here are 2 numbers to learn about therapy 1800 656 HOPE 4673,, 1800 799 7233
That’s not rape. Getting sloppy drunk and going home with a random from a bar and then not remembering the next day because you drank too much is not rape. It’s just being an irresponsible young person.