I Don’t Know, Okay?

His name is Joe, right off the bat. I met him 1 year ago. I met his brother 2 years before that. His brother used to service us as a driver. Really cool guy, used to take me around (I was around 15 at the time), he knew I didn’t have any friends because I was a too-nice kid, so he used to just take me to places I’ve never seen, even introduced me to his sister, his friends. He never did anything to me and treated me like a little sister. And then his job ended (just a summer job). 2 years later I accidentally meet his brother, bar tending a good local bar. I new they had to have been related because they look shockingly similar. So I, 17 and a customer, introduced my self, and told him he looked like someone I knew. We got along from that point on. Joe said he’d heard a lot about me from his brother, that I’m a sweet kid, lovely, kind etc… The night I met Joe he expressed a lot of interest in me, whole. He said he was falling in love. We exchanged numbers, and met up a few times. I saw my ex driver again, met their mom, saw their sister again. I was back in the loop like that summer 3 years ago, except at this point I’m 17. For 8 months since meeting, Joe has expressed deep interest in me. Even now I can’t pin point one thing he didn’t say he loved about me.

So, at the end of that 8th month, I was 18 , I came to sleep over. I didn’t think too much of it because he lives with his family. Mom, sister, brother, and they all liked me. I thought it would be like sleeping at my own place except this time I’m sharing a bed.

Joe took me to his room and while I waited for him to come back so I could go to sleep, he was out in the living room talking to his mom. I didn’t know what was being said until he got back, and I wouldn’t have known if I didn’t ask. Joe said his mom was worried about me sleeping in the same room as him (Joe is 35) and suggested I have my sleep in the living room. He said “It’s fine, I convinced her it’s okay.” So I just went with the flow. I would have slept elsewhere had someone asked me to, and I know realised I should have done that.

Joe and I are on the bed now. I was yawning, extremely tired, it was already pretty late. We had a chat, just catching up. And then I said “okay then, good nightyy”. He paused. “what your going to bed”, I said yes of course, I’m tired. He said “that’s it? Are you serious? Did you come here just because the heating at your house is down?” It was true that our heating was down but that’s not at all why I came to sleep over. I said “no, of course not.. What?”. He lets me be. I close my eyes. Try and sleep. He takes my hand and has me touch him. I say please stop I just want to sleep. He leaves me be again. And then starts masturbating right next to me. And then has me try and touch it, and I say stop. And then he put his hand in my underwear. I push his hand off. and then he has me on my back, I was shirtless but wearing a bra. He got on top of me. Kept masturbating. And I just repeatedly just kept saying no. I never screamed but I urged and urged him to stop. I said no so often that i felt like the word lost its meaning. When I couldn’t get him off me, I gave up. I froze. My face pressed on bed sheets, I stared at the wall, frozen, surprised, confused and I remember thinking “shh.. It will stop eventually.. shh.. Shut it out.. Shh” just staring at the wall. None of my limbs moving. Like a lifeless stuffed animal. While he was on top of me.

And then he ejaculated on me.

on me.

on my back.

on my skin which now is less valuable or clean to me.

I still feel it sometimes and it makes me sick. Those clothes I had that night are all gone. I got rid of them. The only thing I can’t get rid of is my skin. That breaks me.

That wasn’t my first sexual assault. But since my first one, it has been the worst.

My name is Danah.
Best friends: JHG, FJB

The abbreviations have been jumbled up for security purposes. The identification is for my own use.