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I don’t know what to do

I was 8 when I saw a man and a woman having sex, it happened while my cousin and his friend were watching a movie together. I didn’t understand what was happening at the time but that’s when I became obsessed with sex.

I use to only see my cousin when I visited my grandparents, and they would make us bath together and even sleep together, which wasn’t a big deal if mean we were only 9 at the time. One night we where sleeping together and I had on a nightgown, while sleeping in had no panties on that night and he took advantage of me. I don’t remember much but I do know that it did hurt.
The next day I pretended that nothing happened. I spent the next year blaming myself foright what happened answer tried to commit suicide.

I later became good friends with my other cousin when I was 12 and hexternal was 17. I was never a shy girl and so we talked about everything. We got really close and so one night when he was babysitting me and while I was doing homework, he kisse me. I was shocked but just ignored it. Later he took me to his room and made me lay in his bed while he had sex with me. My mom later found out and to protect him I denied everything.

It’s been years but it all still hunts me. I sleep with men to make my self feel better or in control, but every time I tell them no the just keep going and I end feeling more helpless and broken. I have never toldone people about this . I’m tired of this memory taking over my life and have tried to commit suicide 5 times. I don’t know what to do or what will help. All I know is that the feel of being ashamed of my self is only growing and my past is catching up to me. I feel empty day by day and I’m tired of putting on a mask everyday to the people I love. WHAT SHOULD I DO?

— Survivor, age 19

4 comments

  • Fellow survivor
  • Emily
  • Emily
  • Alexis

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