I Just Started High School

When I started high school I was very quiet and shy, I went into high school with an on again off again boyfriend from 8th grade but it was never anything serious since we got together at 13 and I never kissed a guy (never kissed him) or even had a boyfriend before him but starting high school I was tired of him breaking up with me for every disagreement so I put my foot down about getting back together. Anyways, I was into heavy metal music, my school had a group of metal heads that hung out together and one guy was interested in me when I passed by them wearing a megadeth shirt and had iron maiden all over my binder. Later after school a couple of his friends came up to me and said their friend thought I was cute, I began to blush cause I was never the girl to have guys crush on me. So they encouraged me to talk to him, I was way too shy to say anything and him and most of his friends were seniors and I was scared I was going to say something dumb. But he was too shy to talk to me too and I had to leave to cheer practice and I just gave him my cell number and told him to call me later that night since I was going to be sleeping over my friends house. So later that night I got dropped off my friends after practice and took a shower. Me and my friend snuck out of her house as we always did to go to the park across the street and she would go with her boyfriend somewhere dark to make out (she was far more advanced than me). Then that guy, let’s call him John (I don’t want to use real names) called me after my friend took off, we started by kinda getting to know each other and then he asked what I was up to, I told him I was at the park and he said he will go over to hang out with me and get to know me more, I said he didn’t have to but he said he only lived 10 minutes away and it wasn’t a big deal… then he showed up and we went somewhere kinda dark, we were talking about metal music and he made a comment that it was so hot how much I knew of the metal genre, anyways we began making out and yes this was my first kiss. Then he began feeling me up under my shirt and I was like woah what are you doing and he asked if I’ve ever done this before and I said no and I said that this was my first kiss and he said just relax and I just felt a little more comfortable after that, maybe cause I had huge self esteem issues and thought I might as well since it might never happen again. So one thing led to another but the most we did was that he fingered me and yeah it hurt! But when he left I didn’t feel like me but I liked it, I mean I was still quiet and shy but I felt more grown up. Then we kinda became a couple and we would just make out a lot and sometimes a little more. Fast forward to the middle of October, he had asked if I wanted to join him and his friends for a Halloween party and I said that sounds fun. I asked my mom (I don’t know why) If I can go and she said no of course and I said fine I’m going to my friends house. When I got to my friends I called my boyfriend if he can pick me up, my friend said it wasn’t a good idea to go alone and I insisted I’ll be fine since John will be there and she said she felt uneasy about it but my ride was there and I went anyway. We got to the party (my halloween costume was a modified version of ice box from little giants since I already had a cheer uniform and a friend lent me a football jersey) and John offered me a beer and I accepted and figured one beer wouldn’t hurt. When I got to the party I realized everyone there was a lot older, he introduced me to a few people, most of them were 18-35 years old. A few of them making inappropriate comments about my young age to my face and saying the things they would like to do with me. I just brushed it off and John took me to a secret back area of the house to smoke pot with a small group of people. I was really nervous at this point cause I always said to myself id never do drugs but I didn’t want to look like a loser so I tried it a little, right after that I was handed another beer by his friend rudy and John already had like 10 at that point and he was starting to stumble and then I started to stumble and he said “already? You only had 2, you really are new to this huh?” And I just nodded. He sat me down at a chair and the guy Rudy that had smoked with us and handed me the other beer sat next to me while John was nowhere to be found (I later found out he was doing cocaine in one of the bedrooms) anyways, Rudy began talking to me and we were getting to know each other, I told him I was 14 and just started high school, I cheer and play softball and named a few of my favorite bands. He began telling me some of his favorite bands and that he was a guitarist in a band himself, he said he was 28 years old and he dropped out of high school. A couple minutes later I started to feel like I was going to pass out and Rudy led me to a bedroom and the music sounded all muffled then I blacked out, I began to feel movement on the bed I was on and then I felt someone on top of me but my body felt numb, I couldn’t feel anything but the movement, I slightly opened my eyes and saw Rudy’s face and then blacked out again. I thought maybe it was just a bad dream. I later woke up around 3 am on my friends front lawn feeling lost and not remembering how I got back (I guess John’s friends had dropped me off but didn’t want to take me all the way to the door and John was passed out in the back seat). I felt a breeze under my cheer skirt and went inside my friends house, she asked if I was okay and I said I may have drank too much and then I went to the bathroom and realized what I thought was a bad dream was actually true, my spankies (what I wore under the skirt) were gone and my underwear were torn and I found dry semen on my inner thigh and lower abdomen and I began to cry knowing I was just raped. I wiped away my tears and walked out of the restroom like nothing happened because I felt if I told my friend she would be mad at me for not listening to her opinion (I told her about that night 7 years after the incident and she cried and said she would have not been mad for something I couldn’t control). I decided not to tell anyone and I didn’t want to file a report because I didn’t want to be in trouble by my parents for a party I wasn’t suppose to be at. After that party I didn’t care what I did with my body and me and my boyfriend John began having sex almost every day and drink,smoke pot and I even did cocaine occasionally because I didn’t care about my life anymore. I’ve dealt with depression since I was 8 and had suicidal tendencies since I was 12 and so after this I just started cutting myself again after almost a year without doing it (the last time I did it was because I was molested by my guitar instructor who by the way barley served any jail time) but I figured cutting myself and drinking and doing drugs would help me die faster, I was good at hiding all this from my parents, they always assumed I was at my friends. Around November me and my boyfriend became fuck buddies and he started sleeping with other girls and I slept with a lot of his friends (most of which were a lot older than me) and then by December he got kicked out of my high school and I didn’t see him for another 5 months so I stopped hanging with his crowd but it didn’t stop me from drinking and smoking. I started going online and finding older men to sleep with and to bring alcohol and pot if they had any. Since the incident I’ve had 3 other encounters with rudy and every time he would make comments about my ass or saying that I want more, basically bragging about the rape without saying he raped me, basically saying I was easy and eager. I never thought of even pressing charges at those times either as I just wanted to forget about the whole thing. This was 9 years ago and I still have nightmares about it.

— Samantha, age 23