I knew and trusted him

It’s taken me a long time to write this, 10 years in fact.
But the time is right to share my story in an attempt to move on.
10 years ago today- it’s still as clear now as it was then. The pain, the violation, the same questions-why me? How did this happen? Why didn’t I try harder to get away? To make him stop? Why did I stay?
I was 17. A virgin.

I still can’t say the word- it makes me feel sick even thinking about it.

It was a friend from works leaving party, lots of people from work turned up. Including him.
There was a room in a pub booked out where we all met. Dancing and drinking. We all jumped into taxis and went onto a club.
We got into the club and continued to drink. It was a great night, when the night drew to an end we walked down the road with him, and my 2 friends. We got some food and he offered us somewhere to sleep at his house. So the 4 of us walked back there. My friend and a guy she liked, me and him.
Once we were there he showed my friends the sofa and said that I could share his bed. He had a girlfriend and up to this point, I had nothing to fear. I’d worked with him for over a year and we had gotten on really well as colleagues. As I was drunk I got into his bed, fully clothed and fell asleep.
When I woke my jeans and knickers were off and he was on top of me. The pain was unreal. I lay there for what seemed like forever until I told him no….please you have to stop. -this I remember as clear as day- and he did stop he rolled over and I got redressed, but I didn’t get up and leave-I don’t know why? I wish I knew why? I fell back asleep.
When I next woke I was stripped again but this time at the bottom of the bed. He had hold of my knees pressing my legs to my chest and was having sex with me. I remember telling him no, you have to stop. He was so heavy, his full weight was on top of me and I couldn’t move. I kept telling him no. He kept shushing me and telling me I was a ‘good girl’-these words haunt me. I kept shaking my head and saying no. The pain felt like it was making my body numb. I felt numb. Violated. Ashamed. Dirty.
He finally finished and I lay there all night like my innocence had been taken from me. Everything was taken from me that night. My virginity. My outlook on life. Trust. Everything.

When something triggers me I’m right back there. It doesn’t matter whether it’s day or night. It replays over and over. I can smell him on me, feel the weight of him on my chest.
I struggle to sleep because I have nightmares I’m back there.
Panic attacks, anxiety, depression, self harm were all caused by him. My feeling of having no self worth. Disgusted with myself.

I still question everything. Why me? Why did I go back? Why did I stay? If I hadn’t of drank would it have been different? Lots of questions.

For now it stills haunts me and I fear it always will. But I refuse to let it hold me back from being able to get on with my life.

— Survivor, age 27