I’m not sure how to begin to be honest, I have never gone into depth about it. I was molested and raped by my father and his brother. My father raped and molested me from age 4 until I was 13 his brother molested and raped me from ages 10 to 12. I felt like I couldn’t speak to anyone, I didn’t want to ruin my mothers marriage and I didn’t want to destroy my older brothers role model. I feel disgusting, there is no amount of showering that will get rid of that feeling. My dad’s brother was taken to court after my mum found out about him and he wasn’t convicted because there wasn’t enough evidence. My mum finally found out about my dad when I was 17 and she asked me (due to other family members speaking against him, which leads me to believe he’s done it to other people) she separated with him but only for 8 months, during those 8 months she drank heavily and started smoking. She then decided to get back with him regardless (it may sound selfish but this is the most betrayed I have ever felt by my mum) and now I currently have to live with him at 20 years old simply because I can’t afford to live on my own. It happened 3-4 days out of a week, more when we were living with my grandparents and my dads brother was there. I now suffer from severe depression and anxiety. I have an unhealthy attachment to cats because when I was younger we had one who would sleep with me and make a complete racket whenever someone came into my room, which would wake everyone up. What made everything worse was people at my school knew what happened with my dad’s brother because of the court case and I was still bullied relentlessly. Not because of the rape but because my family were poor.
I don’t have issues with intimacy, I have a very loving and caring boyfriend who knows and is very supportive. However, I do have massive trust issues which has caused me to self sabotage past relationships and friendships. I hate my body and for some reason I’ve made myself believe that the only thing I can offer my boyfriend is sex so he’ll love me (I’m well aware that he loves me regardless but I can’t seem to shake this feeling) He has been wonderful. Although before I seemed to have attracted really messed up people and ended up in an emotional and physical abusive relationship for a few months before a friend saved me from it.
I feel ashamed, I feel disgusting, I feel constant edge, I feel insecure and even now I don’t feel safe.
I know I’ve gone off track about the initial story but I had to get this out.
— Survivor, age 20
Dear survivor – thank you so much for posting your story here. Please don’t feel the need to apologize for “going off track” – everything you have to say is a part of your story. If it made you feel better to get it out then I am honored to get to read it. What you’re feeling – the shame, disgust and anxiety – are totally normal. But that doesn’t make it easier. But what happened to you is not your fault and does NOT make you disgusting. The shame should be their and not yours. I’m glad your boyfriend knows and is supportive. I would definitely encourage you to seek out some therapy; you deserve to be able to find some peace and accept your boyfriend’s love. I’m so proud of you for posting your story. I know you can get through this and I will be sending you peace and solidarity as you navigate the process.
I can relate to your whole story with your father. Although no one knows and I’m ashamed to even tell anyone because every time it happens I freeze and can’t do anything. And I don’t want to risk going to a foster home.
And I have no one to talk to and feel alone all the time.
This has been happening since I was 6 it stopped last year I believe, only because I keep pushing his hand away and he stops , so I sometimes think it’s my fault for letting myself? I don’t know.