I Said No

He was a friend of the guy I had just started seeing. I didn’t think much of him and figured – since he was “best” friends with the guy I was seeing, he wouldn’t come on to me or try anything with me. Then one night that all changed.

I was out with the both of them and some more friends and we were drinking at the local beach bars. The guy I was seeing ignored me and his “friend” was pursuing me pretty heavily. He was polite, buying me drinks and made sure to get me home safely. But what I didn’t know was that he had intentions of sleeping with me. I was dumb getting into his bed and thinking he would not try anything with me. Because he did. I said no, multiple times. And I tried to explain that I was just with his friend and that it was not right. This guy was heavy and bigger than me. His weight pressed into me and I was weak from drinking and tired from working that day. He was on top of me and trying to remove my clothes. I said no over and over again, but it was to no avail.

I ended up giving into him and tried to believe that it was not rape and that I deserved it for being with his friend and now him. I felt used and ashamed at my behavior. After all, I was a senior in college and I should know better than to put myself in such vulnerable situations. I tried to make a relationship work with this guy because I was so upset and felt like I should make something work because I had already slept with him. It didn’t last long and the guy was terrible. He was obsessive and scared me.

Looking back, I have always had the feeling it was rape but never allowed myself to admit it. I feel as if just because I said no, over and over again, I still let it happen and then chose to be with him over and over again after the fact. I was scared and afraid to be alone. I felt as if I was dirty and why would anyone want to be with me considering I was so quick to be with this guy in just one night. I now know that this guy was wrong. My “no” should have been listened to and he should not have been on top of me, taken off my clothes, or forced himself into me.

It took me a little while to accept this and I now understand that I deserve better. You are never wrong for saying “no” and your “no”, SHOULD ALWAYS BE RESPECTED. You are not a slut, whore, easy, or any one of those negative words because you have had sex. When you don’t want to have sex with someone, NO ONE should force you to do it or put you in the position where you have to say “no” multiple times, only for it to be ignored.

— Survivor, age 22