I Said No

Sorry that is so long but please read. I don’t know where else to share this story.

I went out clubbing with my best friend in August 2015. She met her boyfriend in the club and I didn’t want to third heel or bug them so I buzzed off and went to the bar to take shots by myself. It’s not a big deal, I just wanted to get drunk and go dance by myself or possibly meet a cute guy.

I’m fresh out a break up, my ex of 2 weeks at the time cheated on me and then broke up with me so all I wanted from that night was to drink my pain away.

A few hours pass, I’m still drinking and I’m absolutely trashed. I enter the bathroom where I meet a girl and we become friends. She told me her male friends she came with are super cute and they’re all here for the night all the way from Seattle. I agree to meet them. I hit it off with one and we dance. I can barely keep my balance. Way too many tequilas are in my body.

His hand goes over my crotch area as we are dancing and I allow it. He asked me again and again “do you want to get out of here” and me being 19, a virgin, and not aware of what that question meant was confused. I asked him why would I want to leave? My friend is here blah blah. He said we’ll go for a walk so I said ok, as long as we come back to my friend and her boyfriend.

We walk and walk. He’s 27 and a parole officer. I’m 19 and in college. I have only been 19 for 8 months now and I tell him this. We’re in the back of his car and I’m thinking okay, we can make out and maybe do each other some sexual “favours” but I 100% knew I would NOT go all the way with him. Ever since I learnt what it meant when two people had sex, I knew my first time would be my long term boyfriend. We are kissing and my pants are off. Suddenly he takes his pants off and RIGHT AWAY I understood what his intentions were and in a clear, calm voice I stated “I am not going to have sex with you.” He laughed it off…said why? I explained I dont know you and I dont want to. Did he care? No. We kiss more and out of nowhere I feel him inside of me. I have never felt anything like that before. It hurt. He thrusted again and again and my mind is saying no, no, no! I tell him to stop. I said no, I dont want this, you dont even have a condom, stop. He doesn’t stop. I say it hurts and he pulls out then uses his fingers. We walk back to the club where I meet my friend.

Since then I havent stopped thinking about it. Was it rape? I told him no. I clarified that I don’t want to do this yet I physically did not try to stop him. I did not push him off me. Trust me, if I was sober I would not have been in that car in the first place. I had so many tequila shots that night. I physically did not have the power to push him off me and run away. My eyes were closed the entire time. I feel like I wasn’t even conscious because I was so intoxicated. My body was incapable of leaving. the only force I had was my voice. I said no but it didn’t work.