They made me do a module on sexual assault and harassment.
I listened. I did it.
I read 1 in 5 women will be sexually assaulted.
I told myself it would never be me.
I would never put myself in that situation.
And then the storm came.
I liked you so much.
I said yes.
We did it.
I still liked you so much.
But the second time I said no.
You said shut up.
Your hands moved from my breasts to my neck to my pussy.
I said please.
I said stop.
I said no means no.
You put it inside me.
I pushed you away.
You pulled me closer.
You were stronger than me.
It was easier to lay there until it was over.
So I did just that.
When you were finished, I left.
I did not make it halfway home before I broke down.
I cried.
And cried.
And cried.
I remembered the module.
I told them.
They asked me what I was wearing.
They asked me if I was sure I said no.
They asked me if I led you on.
They blamed everyone except for you.
They didn’t help me.
I went home.
Hoping to get away.
To be surrounded by people who cared.
Who would never harm me.
At home, he touched me.
I said no.
I moved his hand.
I remembered what you did to me.
I was too weak then.
I am too weak now.
I pushed him away and walked away.
He touched me and I said no.
Like you did.
I didn’t tell them.
They didn’t help me the last time.
They won’t help me this time.
I said no and you touched me.
I said no and you penetrated me.
I said no and he touched me.
I said no and I meant it.
But nobody listened.
Nobody helped.
It was my fault.
But I said no.
— Ariana, age 19
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You are worth so much more than what happened to you! Do not blame yourself for the harmful actions of those people please please. I don’t not mean to sound forceful with my comment but it is so important for you to understand. It doesn’t matter if others don’t believe you, yes it sucks ut really does but, WE believe you I believe you and i know it’s not your fault. I am so sorry that you weren’t helped the way you need and i’m grateful you posted your story on here so hopefully your healing can start. It’s very unfortunate how we live in a misogynistic, victim blaming society and justice rarely ever gets served for something like this. Do not let what those people did to you take more from you than they already have. It’s going to be a long process it really is but I promise things will get better. I would suggest counseling, RAINN.org for hotlines and online chats, and just surrounding yourself with supportive people. Please know it is not your fault, this type of thing happens way too often do not feel estranged because it happened to you. We are all here for you and I promise you will get all the amazing things in life that you deserve and you will overcome this.
Dear Ariana – This is such a sadly perfect representation of rape culture. Asking what someone was wearing or if they are sure they said no…. I’m so sorry you experienced it but I’m proud of you for putting it into words the way you did. You aren’t weak – you are so strong. I can tell by your words. What he did was not your fault!!! Nobody listen and nobody helped but you are worth of help. I read every word in your post and I believe you. I would encourage you to find a counselor to talk to – or maybe even a friend or a family member you trust. You are in charge of what you say so you can start with something as simple as “I’m really sad” and just ask them to sit with you. You are brave, strong, and a light in the world. I will be thinking of you! Love, Alexis