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I should have never meet my biological father

I came from a bad home. I new i was not my stepdads biological duaghter. He made that clear. Eldest of eight kids at the time all were his own blood. My mother was addicted to drugs and in and out of the home. We were isolated from the extended family neighbors and friends although we lived in Southern California in the San Fernando Valley. I never knew who my biological father was, I always dream that one day he come and save me from this hell of a life. But then there was always that why did he leave me. What was wrong with me. My stepfather was a very stern verbally emotionally and physically abusive man. My mother I love her so much but she was never there. So when i just couldnt take it anymore and my step dad tried to make advance toward me (acting like he was asleep and he thought it was me mom) i got the nerve to run away when I was 17 I couldn’t take it anymore I’d rather take my chances out in the world than how I was living even if it meant so that I could get killed raped murdered the worst possible scenario. I left anyways. I want to live with An aunt on my mothers side for about two months and she managed to getting contact with my biological father. I was so excited scared and nervous but when I met him who seem like a very nice man . It wasn’t long after that that he tell me how I look so much like my mother tell me about how they met to me how beautiful I was. I got introduced to the rest of the family and they were all so nice and they looked up to him and just spoke highly of my father. I had three other siblings these people were normal and I had features and I felt like I belonged in there and there was no more yelling drugs hiding fear of being affected if there was enough food or if I had to miss school the next day for no lunch money or bus fare. It wasn’t long before the living conditions were not good with my aunt and so after two months with my aunt and knowing my biological father he asked me to move in. Then it happened I guess it would’ve been maybe six months after that or so don’t know I can’t really remember exactly it was just me and him one day , and prior to all this we were like friends and buy me things take me out to eat I was treated like a princess never before was I treated with such kindness , human and acceptance and you know I was I guess taken by the whole situation that it was like a fairytale. And the cool part is that you know because I was 17 I was able to drive his car he taught me how, and let me drink beer hang out at the club with him because he was a part time dj. so one day wen my siblings were at school and I don’t really know where they were I can’t remember all I knows it was only me and him in the apartment that day and it turned out to we were joking , laughing and talking and before you know it he had had me on the bed and he was on top of me and I didn’t like it I felt uncomfortable because he’s trying to pin me down when I was trying to get up and then he started kissing me on the neck and I felt even more uncomfortable and I said get off me said stop get off of me and before you know it his pants were unbuckled and he went in me. I don’t know what to do I don’t know how we got there I think he knew what was going on but it just couldnt believe it was happening it happened so fast and all i could Get out was “im a virgin!” Idk why. I guess in hopes it would deter or make him stop. But it didnt. And after he got off. He asked me if i was okay. Helped me like was helping me clean up. I was in shock! told me sorry. That if i just wasnt so beautiful and looked so much like my mother. That i shouldnt of been wearing those clothes and made it seem like i made him do it! He bargained with me by saying that this will never happen again. Bought me things to hopefully hush me. But the truth was. I couldnt tell anyone. I had nowhere to go. Who do i tell! Who would believe me????I was ashamed and felt i deserved it for running away, drinking, living better than my other siblings. I also didnt want this wonderful extended family to send me away or hate me. I fell in love with my grandmother aunts and cousins. They took me in as thier own. And who would believe this street rat who he took in. I was not going back to my stepfathers. And He already told me no one would believe me. But the sad part was that it wasnt the last time. After three years later , a was a bad drinker then and hated life ,got into all kinds of trouble, wanted to run away again to face anything else. One day i went to sign up and left into the military to get me far away. Never seen my family or him ever again. Its been 26 years. I have a daughter now. And i told her. So she will know. I said dont go looking for hIm. I did call rape center 15 years ago. She said y didnt i say anything then. I felt defeated. I know im still hanging on to it. It will forever be a part of me. But this day now i can say it was not my fault!!! And im no longer ashamed!! It is he that need to be ashamed and brought out to the open!!! And if ever i do see him i will tell him. To take back this pain, shame,guilt, because its his originally to bare and no longer mine.

1 comment

  • Alexis

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