I should’ve tried harder to stop it

It was a year and 4 months ago, on my 16th birthday. I was at a house party of one of my good friends at the time and I was very, very drunk (how cliché of me)! When we first got there, our bags were put in a bedroom, so I assumed we were all sleeping in that room. Early into the morning, after drinking way too much, I went in to lie down. Turns out that was my friend’s brother’s room. He came in and I remember him closing the door. The rest of the night is kinda blurry and very dark and I remember it burned a lot and I could not wait for it to all be over. My friends didn’t understand and were very mad and decided to no longer speak to me. I was depressed for a few months about losing them. I felt like it was my fault for screwing up our friendship. I didn’t admit to myself that I was raped until about 7-8 months after it happened. I just started openly talking about it last month. I still can’t say the R-word out loud. It makes me feel used and disgusting and damaged. I recently met a boy I really like. We tried to have sex and as soon as it started, I couldn’t feel anything. Physically and emotionally, I was just 100% numb. I’m scared and sad that this happened. I don’t know how to move on from this and I want to be able to feel things again and I don’t know how. Looking back, I should’ve yelled or tried to roll onto the floor and crawl away… I should’ve tried harder to stop it. I felt helpless and too drunk to process what was happening. I don’t know how to heal.

— Survivor, age 17