We were at this reunion after work at a friends house, we were drinking, playing games and eating, the last thing I remember after my black out was playing monopoly with my friends, totally normal. Then I woke up completely naked at his bed thinking ‘what the hell happened?’ I turned around and asked him about it and he just said “we fucked a lot.” I seriously just remember parts of it and that was after I got home, took a shower and slept. I don’t remember saying no, pushing him away or anything like that, just crying in the middle of the night and someone knocking on the door, but he had put the lock on. I have wondered myself if it was my fault for getting so drunk or if it was consensual, and that affected me for weeks. I was doing bad at work, at school, at everything just for thinking about that all the time, until I decided to tell my best friends about it and I realized, “you know what? I didn’t even liked him that way, I would never go to his room to have sex even if I were super drunk, I know me.” The day after my whole body hurt. I was raped, he didn’t have the right to touch me just because I had a drink. Now I have to see him at work every single day and act normal even when he makes me sick. I don’t want to blame myself anymore.I don’t want to see him anymore. I just want to forget.
— Damaris, age 18
Dear Damaris – thank you for sharing your story here. You are absolutely right that no one has the right to touch you if you had a drink (or any number of drinks, for that matter) without your consent. I think we often miss in our discussion of rape that consent has to be an active yes; not the absence of no. What happened is not your fault. Forgetting can be hard but dealing with what you’re feeling is really important. I would encourage you to talk to a therapist or a close friend or family member. A therapist can help you stop blaming yourself and heal. It’s not an easy road but I know you can do it. I’ll be thinking of you and sending you love!!! Alexis