I Thought He Loved Me

I recently moved to another school. Nobody knows the really story behind me but I will tell all of you because all of you understand. I was all ways insecure because I had a mustache when I was a younger. I shaved in first grade because a kid told me I had a mustache. I was bullied for seven years. I all ways wanted somebody to love me because I felt lonely. I thought that if I had a boyfriend I would feel better about myself. I decided I was going to change so society would except me. I changed but I also lost myslef. I started throwing up my food since fifth grade and I stoped in eighth grade. But before that I met a boy, but I won’t say his name. He had to leave to DR the night after the last day of school. I liked him for at least seven months. I wrote him a letter a day before the last day of school. He tried to talk face to face but I was to afraid. So I asked one of his friends for his kick.

He was sweet at first. He told me that he loved me. I thought it was sweet at the time but than he started asking for nudes and he kept asking if I would let him touch me. He told me not to tell anybody. This was the conversation we had on kick. The next we met for a kiss. It was my first kiss and I was so excited. When we met up he said I looked pretty. We started kissing. After a while of kissing he asked if he could go in me and I said no. This was in the school staircase. I said no at least six times but he said that this was the last time we would see each other and he kept saying please. I gave in and said yes because I felt bad. Then we went to class and we met again in the stair Case. He told me that he loved me that he would never forget me. We started kissing and than we were on the stair Case and we laid down he went in me and at first you thought it was OK but than I remembered that he didn’t have protection and I told him to stop. I told him to wait that I didn’t want to but he was still in me and he said that he won’t get me pregnant. He kept going. I wanted him to stop but he was kissing me. I missed him back but at the same time I was so confused. The next day it was summer and I talked to my friend she bought me a pregnancy test and it came out negative. I was relived but I felt so empty so confused. For three months I shut down I kept everything to myself.

In eighth grade, I was still reminded by his sister that he supposedly didn’t like me. She told me he said that I was ugly when he read the letter. I dated him through kick but after a while he completely forgot me. He posted a picture of a girl and he lied to me saying that it wasn’t anything but I knew he was cheating because his sister told me he was dating a girl. I cried so much because I gave him my heart. After that I got depressed and any guy that wanted to do something with me I let them I was called a slut after the guy’s sister read my messages. There were many boys but this one boy was in my school and after talking to him we met up by the bathroom and he took me to the bathroom. He asked me if he could go in my pants and I said no and he started getting mad. He humped me even after I wasn’t okay with it but I guess I let him. After he humped me, he asked if he could go up my shirt and I said no but he went up my shirt and started biting and he left marks. After that we didn’t talk and he ignored me in the hall ways. I was so afraid of what boys would do that any time I got into a relationship I would lush them away. I told my mom about what happened to me after the boys sister found out (the boy who who I think raped me) she wanted to fight me. She found because I told a popular girl about my story and she spread the word. I also told a lot of people because I just wanted somebody to understand me. I wanted to commit suicide. I started to cut myself. I finally told my mom when I had no choice but to tell her. I wanted to transfer schools so we went to the principal and they just said that the procedure would take a long time. My mom and me were crying and we both prayed and prayed. My mom decided to take me to Manhattan to transfer and we did. Thank God he was listening. I started and I met this boy in that school and we started going out we broke up today because he lost feelings for me after I pushed him away and treated him badly. I don’t think I could ever love anyone ever again know I’m cold and heartless and I still don’t know if he raped me.