This year I started my first year of uni and there was this guy in one of my classes he was an exchange student, and we became study partners, and I was helping him understand Aussie culture. After the mid-tri break second day back he asked to come over to work on our assessments, two hours later we gave up so I popped on ‘The Giver.’ I made a comment about how I hated waiting for the adds at the start of the movie to be over, next thing I know he’s kissing. I told him to stop and to leave but he just kept going, I said no and I went to say no again but he just slapped me and said if I screamed he’d beat me up and do it anyway. I froze.I just laid there I couldn’t move or speak, I was scared. All I could think about was how much it hurt and cry. I don’t know how long it was but then he just left, eventually I grabbed my phone and messaged my best friend and she took me to the hospital I don’t, I didn’t know if he used a condom or not say they gave me the morning after and a bunch of meds for STDs. I had bruises for a few weeks, I haven’t even told my mum. How are you suppose to tell someone that. It was a week before I could step in my room and another month to sleep in the actual bed. It’s been 6 months and I still shower 4 times a day because I can still feel him, I have flashbacks nearly every night so I just don’t sleep. I have panic attacks most of the time, but I’m still the same as before to everyone else. I hate my self for not reporting it to the police, the hospital had the evidence but I was just so scared that people wouldn’t believe or would blame me for it. The hospital destroys all that stuff after 3 months. I thought everyone knew what had happened because he went around telling people he took someone’s virginity. But it was so much more, he took my first kiss, I’d never even had a boyfriend, he took a part of me I’ll never get back and I hate myself for not doing more to stop it. My grades slipped, I can’t be in large crowds, I’ve given up. I just want to forget and move on with my life but I can’t because every time I close my eyes I relive it. I wake up some morning and I don’t know how to get through the day.
— Survivor, age 18
Dear survivor – thank you so much for sharing your story here. What you’re feeling – with the nightmares and not being able to be in large crowds – sounds a lot like PTSD. I would strongly encourage you to see a therapist who can help you work through those symptoms. I know 6 months feels like FOREVER… but healing takes time, especially if you are holding all of your emotions inside. I would encourage you to talk to someone you trust. If not your mum, maybe a close friend or a teacher? You might start with someone and tell them only a little piece and work up to telling your mum. YOU are in control of who you tell and what you tell them. It can be hard – but there are some really loving people in the world. You probably won’t ever forget about it, but I believe you can heal from it and live a happy life.
As for not reporting it to the police, you did the best you could with what you knew at the time. Please try not to blame yourself. If you know his name, you could still report it to the police. He may not get convicted since the physical evidence is gone, but if it will help you, you should consider it. BUT – it’s all about what’s best for YOU. Sending you lots of love!! Alexis