I Thought They Cared About Me

I think it’s sick how so many of us are the victims of people who were supposed to care about us… people that we cared for.

I had just turned 16 a month before when it started. That was when I met him for the first time. My mom had been dating this guy for about a year and he had two kids. The boy, let’s call him ML, was 3 years younger than me. I ignored them for the first year because I was still sore over my parents divorce but then he came along. ML’s friend, CC, moved in with him and he was so charming. He always had a smile.

The more time I spent with them, the more it escalated. We were friends and I started to develop feelings for ML. I was very emotionally immature so I ignored the age difference. Despite the smiles and happy-go-lucky attitude, CC was cocky and egotistical and he had a bit of a superiority complex. He got everything he wanted. So when ML started to get my attention and he couldn’t, he changed.

When ML and I started to get physical, ML got cocky too. It seemed like he was bragging. He offered to share me.
That was when it really got bad.

If I said no, they called me a bitch and tried to guilt me into it. They were the only “friends” I had at the time so eventually I started to give in. They claimed parts of my body and then complain or tell me what they disliked about them. They would pressure me into oral and force my head down. They used a toy sword to slap my thighs… I swear I told them to stop and I even tried to move but they kept going until the tops of my thighs were black and blue and splotchy. They told my mother that I fell on rocks. She’s a nurse… she knew better. She believed it because she wanted to. She still feels guilty about it.

CC even tried to drug me into submission once by slipping something in my drink. I still don’t know what it was. He used to come into my room when ML wasn’t home and tell me that I was just being used as a toy and that I was just ML’s whore. CC was the worst because he mentally abused me as well as sexually. There were many other incidences… The details are unimportant but I now when I brush my teeth I scrub until they bleed because I can’t get clean. I never feel clean.

It took a long time for me to say it aloud. I was sexually assaulted. I down played it for a long time and I blamed myself. If they knew what they were doing, they don’t care. The people that I thought cared broke me. They were a lot of firsts for me and I hate it.

I want to join the #metoo movement but I can’t. I can’t think of a single person who would believe me or take my side over his. I’m the quiet girl and he’s the joker that everyone loves. Memories keep coming back as I try to deal with this and the people I talk to about it feel guilty. They feel like they failed me but I feel more like I failed myself.

— Survivor, age 19