I was raised in a very strict and religious household. In high school I would come to my mother and we would pray over the girls in my school that would have sex. I have always believed that sex is for marriage and marriage only. outside of marriage it is a sin.not just a sin, but sex is sacred and special.I wore a promise ring that was a promise to God that I was waiting for marriage.now to give a little bit of background, I grew up in such a strict environment that even at the age of 20 I did not do anything for myself. My parents took care of me. They constantly told me that they wanted to keep me “in a bubble”. This hurt me more than helped me. I understand why they did it, but it held me back so much. it instead taught me that I needed to always depend on someone else to do things for me. (shopping, ordering in a restaurant etc) I started to rebel at the age of 20.
I grew up so different from others I was always made fun of and it began to make me feel like I was missing out. So at the age of 20 I made the decision to go to a club for the first time with some coworkers. We made plans to meet up at this one guy’s house that we all worked with. I was very excited. I wanted to see what I was missing. Well, when I showed up at the house about 15 minutes late, the guy whose house I was meeting everybody at, that guy told me that everybody went home, that I was too late. He asked if I wanted to drink a flavored beer and just talk for a minute since I had come all the way out there. I did and we talked for awhile. I knew he was dating one of the girls we worked with so naively I did not feel threatened at all. (a little confused as to why “everyone went home” because I was only 15 minutes late) Well, he asked if I wanted to see some pictures of him and his girlfriend, as they just had pictures taken, and I said yes. He told me they were in his bedroom. I followed, not at all realizing I was in serious danger. Once I stepped into his room, he immediately attacked me. He forced himself quickly on me and raped me in his bed. When he was done, and i was still crying. He told me “you wanted this. Do not tell anybody what happened because I will deny it and it is your word against mine”.
I drove home with a bag wrapped around the steering wheel so I could puke and drive at the same time. I was in a hurry to get far away from him. I got home and immediately took the longest shower ever, just crying and sitting in the shower even after I scrubbed myself till i was red. I went to work the next day. He was not at work that day but I was still so frightened anyway. I stayed at the back of the store and refused to be seen at the front where I might be seen. When it was my time for my lunch break I sat and cried. My manager saw me asked me what was wrong. That is when I broke down and really cried. My manger called the police. The police picked him up and questioned us both separately. I was then told it was his word right now against mine. Just what my attacker had promised would happen.
While at the police station I called my parents. When my mother showed up she loudly stated “well, we told you bad things happen to people who stay out after midnight.” I will never ever forget those words. They cut me deeply and showed me how very alone I really was. I could not cope, so I dropped the charges then and there. I said” if my own parents are not on my side then what is the point. I give up.”
The victims advocate at the police station tried to change my mind, but my parents were the only “comfort” on this planet that I knew so I just walked out. I started smoking cigarettes secretly. My mother caught me and I was IMMEDIATELY thrown out of the house. Being that I did not have a clue how to take care of myself I ran to my cousins who lived close by. They were into drugs and bad things but I did not know where else to go . I did not do drugs.
They introduced me to this elderly man who they said I could stay with and have my own room. All I had to do was clean up around the house. Long story short, he raped me. Yes, an 83 year old man raped me at the age of 20. I did fight back and pleaded “no!”. Some people think that is crazy, but he was a very large man at 6’4 250 lbs. I was terrified of him. I soon found out that he was a loan shark and Ii got to see how he beat people up who owed him money. This continued for months. I did not know where to go or who to ask for help. The old man never let me be alone, or go anywhere without his bodyguard. Yes, he had a man that we called his “white slave”.
I was terrified! I did get beat up while i stayed there. I did try to leave “escape” 3 times. every time he would find me and bring me back. I did finally get away about 3 years later. I still did not know how to do anything on my own. The old man also did everything for me. So until the age of 29, I was kind of bouncing from house to house trying to take care of myself. Of course no one would show me how to do this, so I continued to be raped and abused. I have been raped by men I barely knew to coworkers and people I rented a room from. I was so naive.
Even after going through all this I still wanted to trust someone. I was raised to believe that people were good and that the “system” worked. (system being police etc.) I had became pregnant at 26 with twins and my boyfriend put me out on the street. He did not want twins and I refused to abort. this put me on the street for real. no roof over my head, just grass and dirt to lay my head on. long story short, while on the street it finally forced me to make decisions on my own.
I still struggle to this day with making decisions. I have SEVERE panic and anxiety disorder. This panic has put me in jail for”breach of peace” ( i was crying and screaming uncontrollably). I am now married at 33. I still have severe panic attacks and I am under a doctor’s care. I have been raped and abused so much in my life, and I am glad that has ended for me but it is still so hard.
Your story has touched me so deeply and moved me. Thank you for going above and beyond yourself to do God’s work and show others that we are not alone and to also show that there needs to be some work done with the justice system in handling these cases. Thank you!!!
Also, could you please say a little prayer for me. I am now married to a man who is very very controlling, verbally, and physically abusive. I have a 3 year old with him. I believe very strongly in the sanctity of marriage, being that it is a covenant between God and myself and my husband. iI believe marriage is work. However, he is has become abusive since he was in a near fatal accident two years ago. This accident caused him to turn to alcohol and that in turn has caused him to abuse me.
Again thank you for your story of courage and faith.