I was 23 when it happened. I was seeing and older man and had been for 7 months. We broke up but remained very good friends, he was my confidant, I thought of him as an older, wiser person I could confide in and seek advice from. At the time I’d just been told I was being made redundant from my job, I was very upset and needed consoling so I went to his house for a chat and a glass of wine.
I ended up falling asleep on the couch, and when I woke up I was in his bed with him on top of me. I froze and let it happen. Afterwards I called a cab and went home completely speechless and zombie like. I quizzed him the next day and asked why he did that, his words were ‘don’t you remember instigating it?’
I cut all contact from him from that moment on and didn’t tell a soul.
Since then, I have not had any relationships with men of any kind, I can’t bring myself to. And better yet I cannot bring myself to talk about it, I told my mum a year after and she asked why I was bringing it up if it was a year ago? So that conversation was swiftly ended and has never been spoken about since.
I feel alone and I feel as though he’s turned me into a monster. I drink excessively and regularly contemplate suicide as I believe it was my fault and If I hadn’t have had a drink and fallen asleep this never would of happened.
I can no longer see the good in anything or anyone.