I really don’t even know if what happened to me even qualifies as assault or rape. I’m sure the guy sure doesn’t think so. I dated this guy, Kevin, briefly a year ago. We had a sexual relationship at that time but we decided we were both still hung up on past relationships and that we’d be better off as friends. Fast forward to present day, he had recently broken up with his girlfriend so I invited him to come to town to go to an event with me, in my mind as friends, as a change of scenery for him. Kevin and I talked about our current relationship states and I’d told him I was starting to see another guy that I really liked. We had dinner and drinks before the event and more drinks at the event. I got pretty drunk honestly throughout the course of the evening. At the end of the night, we went back to my place where he would be sleeping in my bed with me. I had a son home from college and he had brought friends so I didn’t have any place else to put Kevin. I didn’t think it was that big of a deal because I was past wanting to be intimate with him. I thought of him only as a friend. I believed we would just crash out in the same bed like roommates. I changed into pajamas and crawled into bed. It wasn’t long until he started touching me and kissing me. In my very drunken state, I let him kiss me and even responded to him. When he went to put his hand down my pajamas I told him that I was on my period hoping he’d stop. He didn’t. And here’s where my story makes me feel like I can’t say I was assaulted. He fingered me and while remembering bits and pieces of it, I remember having an orgasm but I was so drunk it’s pretty hazy. He then tried to have sex with me but I can’t honestly tell you how far that got, if he came or what because I must have passed out. I woke up later with my pants off and I put them back on but stayed in bed with him because it was still the middle of the night. I woke up a couple more times to him again trying to get his hands back into my pajamas and me saying no before I was sober enough to actually get out of the bed and leave the room. He got up the next day and acted like nothing happened, so I did the same. He left and I haven’t spoken to him since. I don’t feel like I have the right to say I was assaulted or raped because I had an orgasm. I feel violated and dirty. I trusted him and I feel like he took advantage of me when I didn’t have the capacity to say no. And I keep thinking is it my fault. I invited him because I thought we were friends and only friends. I got drunk. I’m 46 years old, shouldn’t I have known better??? And for weeks now I have just tried to forget the incident ever occurred.
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I hope this helps ease your mind a little…
It’s actually not that uncommon that people have had orgasms while being assaulted so please do not feel guilty about that.
What you must remember is that he knew for a fact that if you had of been sober or even in a fit enough state to comprehend what was happening that you would of said no. Your rights of saying no were taken away from you because you were so drunk and unable. A lot of the time its people we know who betray us like this and this is how they get away with it. They make you feel as though you should feel ashamed or guilty. Just think… while you were too drunk to even sit up… what state was he in? Clearly not bad enough to not be able to force himself onto you or enough to not be able to perform. Its very possible that he knew all along what his intentions were, and that the only way it was possible to get what he wanted was to get you in such a state that you were left vulnerable and unable. A decent man wouldn’t have done this to you. A decent man knows that it isn’t right to take advantage like that. A decent man wouldn’t want to take advantage of you. Rapists are very cruel and clever people, they make you feel Like it is your fault and that is how they get away with it. This is rape.
Just because you are 46years of age does not mean that it is your fault because you should of known better. What it means is that he betrayed your trust. If he wore a t-shirt saying he was going to take you home while you were too drunk to say no and sexually assault you would you have gone out with him? No! Because no one asks for this to happen! It is not your fault. It is his fault and he knows that.
It doesn’t make you feel any better about it but hopefully the conflict inside your head can ease a little. It may be worth seeking help.
Thankyou for sharing your story. You are strong!
Oh I can’t say this fast enough – THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!! There was nothing for you to “know better” – how would you have known to do any differently? He was your friend and it felt safe. We can’t spend life second guessing every circumstance that feels safe.
Also – an orgasm is really just your body responding to being touched in a certain way. It DOES NOT have anything to do with your “enjoyment” or consent to the experience you had. I know society has turned it into something more than that but it’s really true. Having an orgasm doesn’t change anything in my eyes in terms of what happened to you. It would be like saying you cut yourself and you bled.
I know it’s natural to want to just forget everything ever happened but the truth is that pushing it down will probably come back to bite you. I would encourage you to talk to someone. If you aren’t ready to talk in person, maybe call a rape crisis hotline (you don’t have to be in crisis to call). If not, a therapist or a friend or family member you can trust. I believe in you and I know you can heal from this with time and love and support – all of which I’m sending you right now. Love, Alexis