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I want to be better

My name is Hannah I am 20 years old. I believe it started when I was really little. I don’t remember much from my childhood maybe suppressed memories or something. I do remember some things though my biological father would randomly touch me innapropiately when I was little by saying it was roughhousing brush across my private the earliest. I remember I was at least 4 years old one incident that I don’t remember at all is my mom came home late and I was somehow in bed with my biological father. He said I woke up and went in there but I have no memory of how I got there at all. I just remember my mom waking me up and asking “why are you in here?” I just said I don’t know which was the truth truthfully I don’t really want to remember what could have happened that night. I was always aware of sex from the age of 5 I knew that people touched each other when they were together because it felt good and that they would get on top of each other and do it because they wanted to. I don’t know how I learned this my mom always made sure we never watched anything innapropiate on tv or in movies. I always felt that I was a bad child for knowing these things because good girls like my 2 sisters didn’t know about any of that. I always thought something was wrong with me and sometimes still do my oldest sister yearned for our fathers attention while I would never want to go by him. He told my mom once that how could he try to love me when I wanted nothing to do with him not like my other 2 sisters. I over heard this because I was a nosy little kid when I was 8 me and my 2 sisters moved into the master bedroom because my baby sister was born my 7 year old sister yelled for our father to give us a hug and kiss while I pretended to be asleep he came in gave my sister a hug and kiss we had bunkbeds. I was on top he tried to wake me up and said awe my baby’s asleep and started rubbing my butt and between my thighs for at least 10 minutes. I just wish he would go away he told my sister something which I don’t know what he could of said to be standing there for so long when he left. I just wanted to die because I hated him even more I wanted him to die. I prayed that my mom would leave him or that he would get crushed at work by a machine that he worked on, he was physically abusive at random times throwing me against a wood cabinet at 9 I hurt for days. I was a small child for my age so it felt like getting thrown against a tree. When I was 13 he took a step father I was home alone with him and went into my parents room can’t remember for what maybe toe nail clippers. He came in and started “wrestling” he pinned me to the bed. I told him to stop that he was hurting me he didn’t listen just kept grinding himself on me. I somehow got one of my legs free and kicked him between twice and he got off and went to the ground .I ran out of the room and I hurt for days after, other incidents just included him getting to close trying to touch my breasts and putting his hand on my thighs until my mom divorced him when I was 17 after she caught him looking at my older sister we had to put my chartreux cat to sleep which he was everything to me during the time I was 11-17. I broke and finally told my mom what he had done she went to the courts and he wasn’t allowed to take us off the property or have any time alone with any of me and my 3 sisters. I find irony in the fact that she didn’t notice one thing wrong with me but caught him looking at my older sister. I guess I can just hide things more my 1 year younger sister told me our father always liked you more if she only knew how I saved her from beatings when we was little she was to young to remember. I’ve always been cursed with good memory I feel like I always did something to draw his attention like I was a bad child or the one he didn’t want. I feel like no other person will ever love a broken disgusted person like me no one knows the pain I go through every day remembering more and more like how it use to burn when I would go bathroom as a child like someone pouring alcohol on a open wound but I think I can get better and I want to be better.


  • Alexis
    • Hannah


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