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I Was Just a Little Girl

“No one loses their innocence. It is either taken, or given away.”

I just finished watching Brave Miss World. First, I saw it because I classify myself as a feminist, and then noticed that Linor had won Miss World. I am currently a Miss World Canada delegate. The movie was almost too much for me to handle. I just finished watching it and am now sitting in my bed, typing this story and can barely see the screen through my tears. But I think that sharing this will be good for me.

I was three. It had happened multiple times, in my bedroom, at my grandparents, behind my shed, and in the park. My father sexually abused me.

No, it wasn’t rape. He used his fingers instead. I know that my trauma isn’t as significant as other women who were raped, or were stabbed, or almost killed, or even murdered. Obviously I am still here. I had no bruises on me. I can’t even remember what happened really. Only what I have read in police reports. I have totally suppressed what happened. Sometimes I even wonder if I actually was sexually abused. I mean sometimes, my father leads me to believe this. I know it isn’t true, but I simply cannot shake the feeling.

I read one report recently where I told the police officers that sometimes I would just lie there, and be quiet, or sometimes I would cry and scream. But he always told me to be quiet, not to tell anyone and he would take me out to McDonalds afterwards for a treat. I still to this day cannot eat chicken nuggets.

Of course, I am lucky. I told my mom, and she has supported me through every single step of the journey. I am 20 now, and she has helped me through the PTSD, the depression, all of it. He hurt not only me, but her too. To see Linor’s mother struggling so much, hurt me inside. How unfair it is for my mother and her mother to feel so guilty, and helpless.

He was never criminally tried. A decision my mother made that I fully support. There was a chance that he would be found innocent, who would believe a 3 year old anyways? Then, he could have unrestricted access to me, and this was not a risk my mom was willing to take. I am currently in the process of suing him. For 1 million dollars. No, I won’t get even 1/3 of that. It is so not about the money. I am just happy that for the first time in my life, I have some sort of power over him. I am able to show him that I am strong despite what he did to me. #IAmBrave

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