I was ten years old when I was raped by one of the church helpers for my weekly class. He always scared me. He constantly would “playfully” chase me around during recess and tickle me, finding me when I would try to hide. I never told anyone; other adults would see and didn’t speak, so I did not think that it was an issue.
One night, he asked me to help clean up after recess. I didn’t know that I could have said no. When I was putting away the toys into the storage room, he locked and closed the door. He raped me.
My family still doesn’t know. I’m too afraid that now, seven years later, they would think I was lying. But I escaped from him. My family decided that they didn’t like the church anyways, so I never saw him again. But the memories still haunt me daily.
I hate myself for not telling anyone. He is still out there, could still be doing it to other girls. It makes me feel sick inside.
— Survivor, age 17
Dear survivor,
Thank you for sharing your story here. First, I want you to know that I believe you. I also want you to know that while it can feel overwhelming when you think he is still out there and you should have told, the fact is that only he is responsible for your behavior. Sometimes when we don’t tell it is to protect ourselves. I have no doubt that you will speak up when you are ready to. Just remember that there is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. It is true that some people might not believe you, but your truth is your truth and it is very powerful. You did nothing wrong! I hope in time you find that the memories fade. Healing takes a really long time, but I believe it is possible. I think you are really brave for sharing your story here. Light and love to you, Alissa
Dearest Survivor, thank you for sharing your story of survival with us. I think it is an important contribution to the community here. It was not your fault, although I can relate to second-guessing everything that was said and done – but it was not your fault. I can also relate to feeling regretful for not telling anyone at the time, for the same reason – that it could have allowed him to do the same to another. I try to remember that I did the best I could at the time, and at the time I felt alone, confused and afraid, and it’s hard to make big decisions in that state of mind. Please remember that it was not your fault, not one bit.
I can’t remember what my age was when it happened. All I know is that it happened before I entered Kindergarten. I don’t remember how many times, but I have one very vivid memory that until now, I can describe every detail about that day. At that age, I thought it was normal. But as I grow up and realized that my Uncle, the husband of my mom’s sister did what he did to me, wasn’t supposed to happen and that it should’ve never happened, it was too late. I decided to pretend it never happened since I don’t want people to ridicule me and that I don’t want to accept that it did occur. But it’s really hard pretending everything is okay when inside, I’m having my panic attack. I can’t sleep well at night in fear that he would come to
my room to do it again. I can’t be alone with him in the same room. I found it hard to breathe
To our family, he treats me like his own daughter. But I knew better. Upon entering my teenage years, he became very protective of me. My family was happy because they thought he was just being a protective “father”.
(I lived with them along with my grandparents since my parents were separated. My father works in the city and We only get to see each other during holidays. My mother was working overseas.)
Wherever I go,he would be there watching me.
I was so happy when I finally entered college since I get to live with my father in the city away from them.
But whenever I go home and visit my grandparents, I know he’s watching me. I feel very uneasy whenever he looks at me maliciously. That’s why I always stay in my best friend’s house whenever I can.
I spent my teenage years hating myself for I let it happen to me. I became suspicious of people. I became bitter about life.
Fast forward to when I turned 28, our family had a big fight. Her wife L, and along with my other Aunt G, tried to ruin my already failing marriage and is backbiting my mother who is helping them since the beginning.
I didn’t know why I told my mom about it. I guess I was just fed up of his wife saying nasty things about me.
Then everything was okay.
My mother, who I begged never to tell anyone, told my Aunt G the other month about it. Of course my Aunt didn’t believe me or my mom. Now they have a fight again. Then G told L about it. The worst thing is that L and her daughter is living with me.
I’m starting to panic. I’m still not ready for everyone to learn about it.
What’s frustrating is that my mother doesn’t seem to understand what and how I feel right now.