I was raped by a youtube personality and book author and it kills me that he has fans and followers. I have not said this publicly and have held on to this for about 11 years now.
About 11 years ago, I auditioned and worked on a project man was working on based on his book “dating advice” book for men. Though I did not care for his book – for I felt it was so inherently wrong, negative and extremely sexist – at the time I had hoped it was suppose to be comedy, but later learned he took every word he wrote seriously. So, at the time, I admired his accomplishments – he had fans and relative economic success through this book.
When the project was ending, he asked me out. I was torn because I was both uncomfortable and flattered. I was open to dating, but at the time, I was mostly hoping we could keep in contact for any potential projects in the future.
We went out a couple of times and aside from a kiss at the end of the night, nothing physical happened. After those first two dates, I realized at that point that I was definitely not interested in him romantically, but I still was hoping we could be friends and work together in the future. So when he asked to hang out the third time I was reluctant to go but didn’t know how to let him down and try to maintain a friendship at the same time.
The third time we hung out, he asked me to come to his hotel. I felt weird about this but prior to hanging out I mentioned to him on the phone that I wasn’t interested in anything happening – he assured me it wouldn’t. It was still daylight out so I felt a little bit better about hanging out especially since we had hung out before and nothing had happened.
When I got to his hotel, we were hanging out sitting on the bed and watching tv and started kissing. He then started making more advances and I again said I didn’t want to do anything more and he again told me nothing will happen and that we do not have to do anything. However, he kept forcibly trying to take off my clothes. Eventually, he managed to get my pants off at some point, and when this happened I literally jumped out of bed and said I really do not want to have sex, and he again told me we won’t . He told me I was overreacting, and that I need to relax. I was so worried that maybe I was “overreacting”, as he put it, or “acting crazy” or ruining what I was still hoping could be a working relationship for the future, that I sat back down beside him.
To this day I regret not running out of that hotel room at this moment. For letting him make me feel like I was overreacting, for trusting he would stop. I could not understand why he would see me consistently pulling away, that not only verbally was I saying I did not want to have sex, but that my body language was also so blatantly not wanting to be physical, and yet still he kept pushing himself on me. I had never experienced this type of aggressive behavior before. He was considerably bigger than me, and I was extremely intimated.
I let him kiss me again, which then progressed to him taking off his pants, and me again saying, “NO”, and eventually he said all he wants to do is just masturbate with me on my stomach in my underwear while he looks at me. At this point, he was on top of me. I couldn’t understand how it got this far and I didn’t know what to do, so I reluctantly agreed. I just wanted it to be over. I thought this would be the quickest way for this to be over. But he lied, without asking, and without my consent, he proceeds to move my underwear to the side and starts having intercourse with me. I was paralyzed with shock and fear. I didn’t move. I laid still like a dead fish. He didn’t even use a condom. After he was finished he went to the restroom and I quickly put back on my pants and gathered my things. He walks out surprised that I was leaving and in response to this says to me, “Wow, you’re making me feel like I need to take a cold shower and cry.” I knew then he knew what he did, and that he didn’t care. I left with tears streaming down my face violated and broken.
— Survivor, age 36
Survivor – you are really brave to talk about this and help others of us learn by what happened to you. I hope you are realizing even a little bit that what happened was NOT YOUR FAULT!! You said it very wisely – he knew exactly what he was doing, it was a premeditated crime. He knew you did not want him so he amped up the lying and manipulation to get what he wanted with no regard for you as a human or even the law. You did everything right ! You let him know in advance you did not want a sexual relationship and you said “no” numerous times. There are men out there who have pretty much a perversion – they get off on raping unwilling women. ( I hope this was not too explicit but the survivor is 36). A man like this that committed this crime against you – he is an important man, he could easily find a willing date, he could certainly afford a hooker, but he WANTS premeditatedly in advance to force a young nice good hearted girl who he can actually have fun manipulating, lying to, and committing a crime against. He knew exactly what he was doing and he certainly did do it again. I am pretty sure, knowing the business you are in that you may have heard of HARVEY WEINSTEIN, the powerful producer who did to thousands of women what this man did to you. Google that to learn you are not alone. Lena Dunham the writer/actress wrote a scene in ” GIRLS” that illustrates this topic – how a powerful man can manipulate and force a female into sexual acts because of the power imbalance. Be aware of that power imbalance in the future – be aware that many men in power have no problem using their power and the woman’s need for connections to commit sexual crimes. An example a good powerful guy would be Stephen Spielberg. He wanted to ask out the beautiful actress Amy Irving – He enlisted a third party female friend to see if she was open to dating him – he did not want his power to influence Amy – they later married. See? Guys know. They know. I am going to quote Gloria Steinem, a feminist ” We have become the men we wanted to marry” — What I am saying by putting that quote is – women need to help other women in ALL industries so we can have more autonomy and power over our lives and bodies – and sharing on Miss Brave World to help your fellow women and humans is a very great start! Thank you for the wonderful lesson survivor – stay strong !!!
Dear survivor – thank you so much for posting your story here. What happened to you was NOT YOUR FAULT!!! I’m sure that running out of the room seems obvious now but who knows what would have happened if you’d tried. You did what you had to do. Consenting to a kiss did not give him the right to go any further; you said NO. You’ve held on to this for so long and that can be so hard. I would really encourage you to talk to a therapist about the emotions you’re feeling around what happened and the fact that he has fans and followers. It must have been hard for you to see the #metoo movement; knowing that the man who hurt you is still out there. But please know that you are part of the movement if you want to be. No matter what you deserve hope and healing and love and support. No matter if you tell one person or a hundred. Sending you so much love and support, Alexis