I was raped by a youtube personality and book author and it kills me that he has fans and followers. I have not said this publicly and have held on to this for about 11 years now.
About 11 years ago, I auditioned and worked on a project man was working on based on his book “dating advice” book for men. Though I did not care for his book – for I felt it was so inherently wrong, negative and extremely sexist – at the time I had hoped it was suppose to be comedy, but later learned he took every word he wrote seriously. So, at the time, I admired his accomplishments – he had fans and relative economic success through this book.
When the project was ending, he asked me out. I was torn because I was both uncomfortable and flattered. I was open to dating, but at the time, I was mostly hoping we could keep in contact for any potential projects in the future.
We went out a couple of times and aside from a kiss at the end of the night, nothing physical happened. After those first two dates, I realized at that point that I was definitely not interested in him romantically, but I still was hoping we could be friends and work together in the future. So when he asked to hang out the third time I was reluctant to go but didn’t know how to let him down and try to maintain a friendship at the same time.
The third time we hung out, he asked me to come to his hotel. I felt weird about this but prior to hanging out I mentioned to him on the phone that I wasn’t interested in anything happening – he assured me it wouldn’t. It was still daylight out so I felt a little bit better about hanging out especially since we had hung out before and nothing had happened.
When I got to his hotel, we were hanging out sitting on the bed and watching tv and started kissing. He then started making more advances and I again said I didn’t want to do anything more and he again told me nothing will happen and that we do not have to do anything. However, he kept forcibly trying to take off my clothes. Eventually, he managed to get my pants off at some point, and when this happened I literally jumped out of bed and said I really do not want to have sex, and he again told me we won’t . He told me I was overreacting, and that I need to relax. I was so worried that maybe I was “overreacting”, as he put it, or “acting crazy” or ruining what I was still hoping could be a working relationship for the future, that I sat back down beside him.
To this day I regret not running out of that hotel room at this moment. For letting him make me feel like I was overreacting, for trusting he would stop. I could not understand why he would see me consistently pulling away, that not only verbally was I saying I did not want to have sex, but that my body language was also so blatantly not wanting to be physical, and yet still he kept pushing himself on me. I had never experienced this type of aggressive behavior before. He was considerably bigger than me, and I was extremely intimated.
I let him kiss me again, which then progressed to him taking off his pants, and me again saying, “NO”, and eventually he said all he wants to do is just masturbate with me on my stomach in my underwear while he looks at me. At this point, he was on top of me. I couldn’t understand how it got this far and I didn’t know what to do, so I reluctantly agreed. I just wanted it to be over. I thought this would be the quickest way for this to be over. But he lied, without asking, and without my consent, he proceeds to move my underwear to the side and starts having intercourse with me. I was paralyzed with shock and fear. I didn’t move. I laid still like a dead fish. He didn’t even use a condom. After he was finished he went to the restroom and I quickly put back on my pants and gathered my things. He walks out surprised that I was leaving and in response to this says to me, “Wow, you’re making me feel like I need to take a cold shower and cry.” I knew then he knew what he did, and that he didn’t care. I left with tears streaming down my face violated and broken.
— Survivor, age 36