Incontrovertible

I’m trying hard to understand what you did to me. I know what you have told me, I know what others have told me, what I don’t understand is why. why? Why did you take something so precious from me, something that was mine to give away, not for you to take. I hate you with everything I am, I despise you, you disgust me, you make me sick, but then again I’m no better than you right? My young body enjoyed your touch, the thrill of having to keep a secret because hell I was happy you trusted me enough to keep our secret. Is it different because you weren’t violent, you weren’t always gentle but i could handle it. It makes me no better then you right because I didn’t turn you in. It makes me no better then you because the one I trusted didn’t believe a word I said, she was blinded by love. Is ‘love’ what you gave, thats what you claimed it was, and how stupid of me to believe you. “This is how a father loves’ his daughter, but you aren’t my dad, you’re my mothers husband we share no relation except for the one you created. Why did I let you take what you couldn’t have, you were something secure, my mother wasn’t someone I could depend on, with you at least I knew that you would keep your promise and not break them. Does that make me twisted like you because as I grew as my body developed it craved your familiar touch 8 years of ‘love’ making between a child and a man, it became second nature to. I’m so fucked up my body desired you but my mind god my mind, it wouldn’t hesitate to kill you without even a second thought. If it wasn’t enough you mocked me buying me gifts for your own pleasure, please tell me what a 13 year old would need a vibrator for, cause I sure as hell didn’t know, lets not forget the lingerie and handcuffs, never once did you even bother to ask me, you took my choice away and thats what I craved the most, my choice, you took away my voice to speak. So many questions that I don’t have answers to, that I need answered. I never got to find myself, I don’t know who I am, I live by you, you invade my thoughts, everything I do, everything I say, reflects you. My thoughts are yours, I second guess myself to make sure you would be ok with this and that, then I have to remind myself that you don’t control me, but yet you do even if you are not here near me, even though its been 5 years since I left away from you away from her. How could I even blame you my mother let this happen, I mean why should you have to listen to me when I told you no, I realize I have no power over you, would you have listened to my mother if she told you to stop. I doubt you would. Men hold the power right? I have no authority or say so in what happens to my body, clearly, you taught me that. Did I lead you on, tell me what set you of, was it my curve less body, my flat chest, was it that I was hairless, was it that I was smaller then you, was it cause my mother didn’t stop you, was my mother not giving you any, were you just bored and you had nothing better to do. Please tell me how fucked up you are because you were sober clear minded every time you touched me. Tell me what I did that made you hurt me. Did I look at you in a sexual way did I seduce you in any way. Tell me what I did, because I clearly made the same mistake over and over again. I am sorry, I apologize for what ever I did to cause this, please forgive me.

— Survivor, age 20