innocent

i was only 12 years old when the rape had begun. I finally put an end to the rape around the age of 21 years old.
I had never told anybody about the rape and the raper, I was so afraid that someone, and worse of all my parents and especially my father will know anything about me being raped. They don’t know up till now, because I did all I can do to protect them from the on going rape.
The raper was almost 2 years older than me and he knew everything about sex. I knew nothing about sex, and so innocent and so afraid that no one will believe me. Traper was the negative leader of my group in the kibbutz. And he had threatened me: “I’ll tell about you” and this was more dangerous than an atomic bomb throwed on me. Becaus a kibbutz is a place in which you are whom they think you are.
So I hide the rape deep in my soul, inside my body, away of my mind.
Recently, about a year ago I accidentally recalled the rape, and it took me another year to start a therapy specific to the trauma.
Now I am 50 years old, my best years had gone. All I want is to cure myself and to have enough money for my treatment. I dream about being healthy, get back to work, having a relationship, love myself and stop feeling so ashamed!!!
The rape had affected me in many ways: I didn’t want to bring children to this world because I didn’t want them to suffer how I did.
I had became a very frightened person.
I had killed something in myself in order to survive.
It had been only one month now, since I started my therapy and I finally cry, thinking about “her” – the other me who had not been raped. I can see her at a distance: she is so innocent, and so pretty, with her blue eyes and long brown hair. And she says: “come over, I’ve been waiting for you all these years”. And she says “I love you, there is nothing to be ashame or afraid of.
And she smiles as there had bever been a rape in this world, and never will be.
I hope someday soon I will smile and feel happy and safe, with plenty of self confidence, just as she does.