I was 16, and my father was a month away from dying of stage 4 cancer. I lost my virginity earlier that year in what I feel is sexual assault as well. (I was drunk, the guy took advantage and brought me to a vacant room and had sex with me while half conscious) so, I was at another party. I had never gone to parties before my dad got sick, but since, alcohol has been a recurring vice for me. I was at a get together on a house boat with two girls from high school I really just went to parties with. There were 5 guys there and 3 girls, and tons of alcohol. We all got extremely drunk and I spent the night just having fun swimming with my friends and talking with everyone. It was getting late and we all smoked a blunt in one of the beds. I immediately passed out in only a swim suit, as we had just finished swimming. My two friends went off with separate guys and I was left alone. I awoke, I have no idea how long later, to one of the boys there inside me, roughly shoving himself in me in this animalistic, almost robotic way. His face had no expression. I wasn’t a virgin, so it didn’t exactly hurt, but i felt intruded. Here was this boy taking something so forcefully that wasn’t his to take.. I was in shock, but immediately tried to rise. He pushed me back down and I remember this fury coming over me for a second. I pushed back as forcefully as I could and he stopped. I didn’t know what to do. I aimlessly walked out of the room with no bottoms on, and went and laid on the couch where a couple of other people laid. I lay awake and one of the other guys covered me up. When everyone got up in the morning, my friends were laughing saying they heard “how hard he was fucking me” the night before. Apparently they could here the bed pounding. I didn’t tell them what happened, I just said we didn’t have sex. I am still shocked today that neither of my “friends” came to check on me when they knew I had fallen asleep. I am 22 now, and still think about it often. I have no idea who that guy is, I don’t know his name, I never saw him again. But I wonder if he knows at all what he did to me.
— Survivor, age 22
Praying for you <3
Dear Survivor – thank you for sharing your story here. It can be so hard to fall into the “trap” of thinking about him and what he knows and doesn’t know. Or sometimes what he’s feeling and if he regrets what he did. In my experience, I end up really frustrated and/or upset. So I try to remember that what he does/doesn’t know doesn’t actually change what I’m feeling and – more importantly – what I’m feeling is ok and allowed and valid. It takes A LOT of work to do this and a lot of reminding myself but in the end it’s really helped me. I think : ) Sending you love and support!
Alexis