Is It My Fault?

I’m 15. I was raped exactly 11 months ago. He is autistic so nobody believed me. As bad as this sounds I only agreed to go out with him because he pressured me into it. I’m not allowed to date until I’m 16 and only if the boy is a Christian. There had been multiple occasions where he would touch my breasts and my butt and he stuck his fingers inside of me. I talked to his brother and my best friend because my best friend was dating his brother so I thought they could get him to stop. So they talked to him and he stopped for a couple days and then we were in my friends house and he pulled down my pants and then tried to have sex with me anally but I said no. We were waiting downstairs for my friend and I told them I would be outside. We later ( Me, Gabe and Cameron my rapist went home) went to dinner at the local church and I told them because we were close. I thought that night that maybe he didn’t hear me say no so maybe he thought I was okay with it. And even now I really don’t know. So that was in the beginning of February and then valentines day came. It was snowy and I stayed inside but Jack (My rapists brother) texted me and told me his brother (My rapist) wanted to give me a present. and I went over got it and went home. I didn’t see him again until the 18th because I was still upset that he touched me so much. I never have liked being touched because when I was 7 my dad was arrested for raping my sisters. He might have raped me but I was abused by one of my friends in 3rd grade and I don’t remember much before then. Anyway so it was February the 18th and it was a Thursday and I got home and my best friend wasn’t home yet and even so she had girl scouts so I didn’t text her because I knew she’d be busy. I went over to my “boyfriends” house and his brother wasn’t home because he had weight lifting and I said okay and it got quiet and I said do you want to g o for a walk and he said sure. So we went for a walk and (He lived across the street from me) he showed me this path that eventually led into the woods. we walked until we were on someone’s property and turned around. we were just about back to his house when I stopped and looked up. He walked behind me and I didn’t think twice about it. I got my phone out to take a picture because the sun was shining through the trees and I love photography. I said out loud “It’s so beautiful” and he said so are you then he pushed me out of nowhere and the ground is uneven so I tripped into a tree and he had me up against the tree and he pulled my pants down and raped me anally. It hurt really bad because I am a virgin. and there was another time when he raped me vaginally and I’m not going to get into that because I am embarrassed enough sharing this part. So he would squeeze my breasts as he forced himself in me. And sometimes I think it’s my fault because I’m not the skinniest girl and I’m 5’9 and he was shorter than me so I could have fought him off. When he started touching me I froze. I should have not froze. I didn’t tell anyone until a week or two after and I told my friend and she went to the guidance counselor and they called my mom and she found out and I didn’t want her to know. So I had to go to a child advocacy center and it was horrible I shut down and refused to talk and they gave up on me. They gave my mom a counselor for me to go to and I went for awhile but she knew I wouldn’t talk so she told my mom she thinks we were done. So I stopped going. So now 11 months later I am not okay and I can admit that.