I stopped to pick up a guy I was seeing so we could go to a party. He wanted sex. I didn’t really want to but went with it because I was 19 and wanted him to like me. It was painful so I wanted to stop. I asked and he said no. I got away from him and ran to the door, didn’t care I was naked but he caught me and dragged me back. Threw me on the bed. I tried to get away again but then he shook a gun at me so I just laid there and waited for him to finish. Once he was done, I was allowed to leave. I felt filthy afterwards. Showered for an hour and still didn’t feel clean. Confided in one friend shortly after and was told it wasn’t rape since I went along with it initially. It’s been years but sometimes I still have dreams. And one sex position will sometimes still make me feel panicky. But how I changed afterwards, that’s why it felt like a rape to me.
— Roxanne, age 36