I am a 39 year old woman…my whole life & my ability to form relationships since I was 16. I now realize this has been shaped and harmed by what happen to me.
I was 16 years old and living in a family at a time of great distress as my parents were fighting for the previous 4 years and this was sometimes physical… My parents split up at this time, I came home from school one day and my dad had moved out without saying goodbye to me or having a forwarding address or contact number… Whilst I was distressed he had gone a part of me was also relieved as now the fighting between my parents and the atmosphere at home would be safer.
I started drinking. going out at weekends and binge drinking with friends. I am 16. My mum has her own stuff to worry about and nobody even notices. One night after being out in pubs with my best friend we walked back to her house where I had arranged to stay. Her parents were away, and we intended to go home and watch a movie… As we walked home a group of boys we new from school followed us and invited themselves back to the house to watch the movie too.
At the house there was myself and my friend and now 3 boys one 15 and 2 17 years old. One of the boys asked me if he could talk with me and could we go somewhere private. I agreed as I knew him from school and had no reason to be fearful or suspicious of him.
We ended up upstairs in Clare’s mums bedroom where we kissed and he told me he really fancied me and would I be his girlfriend. I was flattered by the attention and kissed him back…
Very quickly it became clear he wanted to have sex with me, but I didn’t want to and said No repeatedly for what felt like forever…
We sat on the edge of Clare’s mums bed and I remember feeling very uncomfortable and wanting to leave, noting I didn’t like him that his breath smelt bad and I knew I needed to get away from him. but I was drunk and not feeling well at this stage the room was spinning.
He became insistent and was more forceful trying to kiss me and touch me pushing me onto the bed I tried to get away but it was very clear that this wasn’t going to be possible, I turned my body in the struggle to push him off me but this made it easier for him to pin be down and he raped me more forcibly from behind. It was like i just got to a point where a gave up fighting him and left my body, let him get on with it, feeling it was pointless to struggle and would be over quicker if I gave up fighting him.
At this point my friend came into the room. He stopped fo a second looking back to her at the door…. She asked was I alright & he said yes, I was absolutely horrified not only was this happening he was hurting me, I couldn’t speak face down in the bed but, my best friend saw and thought I wanted it & it was her mums bed I felt SO MUCH SHAME he was hurting me still inside my body… She left the room I was frozen in the horror of what I was experiencing he finished and got off me and left the room.
The next day I went home, and when I got home there was nobody home… I cried and cried and cried in the shower for hours trying to scrub my body clean. I never told anyone because they were not home, and when my mum came home she was wrapped up in her own problems, & my sister was younger than me only 13 and I couldn’t burden her with it. My best friend had seen what happened and I assume even now, thought I had consented to it.
Soon after this he turned up at my house asking again to be my boyfriend.. I thought if he was my boyfriend than at least I wouldn’t feel so ashamed of what happened and so I let him in… As soon as he was in the house he wanted me to suck him. I absolutely refused & told him to go my brother would be home any second and he left!! But I was terrified of him… I knew my brother wouldn’t be home and had made it up!! Nobody was around to protect me.
I was terrified of him for the rest of that year at school… I would avoid him and he knew he was intimidating me and one day many years later he got on to a bus I was on and saw me and Sat behind me on the bus breathing down my neck.
He is now a police officer.
In addition to this, a couple of months after this happened I was starting to study A levels at school.. I was a keen design and textiles student & loved anything artistic and creative, I was lucky to have great encouraging teachers who I loved to spend time with as it kept me out of the main school building and out of the possibility of meeting John in the corridor…
After time as I was in the Art block so much, one of the teachers technicians at school in the design department started to show me, as the only girl on the design/woodwork special attention helping me to develop my ideas and encouraging me to stay late and work on my projects which I did, after a period of time I felt he was the only person on the planet that actually noticed me. My family absent, my best friend and I didn’t really talk after the incident in her house. I was absorbed in my art and music and that was it. He The woodwork technician told me he was in love with me and I was besotted with him as he was showing an interest in me. I lived in a broken home where every time I went home I was predominately alone, nobody showed interest in me or what I was feeling… This man became my closest friend and I was grateful for his attention, and seeming care of me.
He asked me to meet him outside of school which I did, we met at a club at the weekend I was still 16 & he was about 30 and he bought me a lot of drink, I was very drunk not very able to walk let alone do anything he took me into a wood and raped me.
after which I didn’t even consider what was happening I just went along with it. He was an adult in a position and had the power to help me at school in my A levels or fail me. I went with him to camp one weekend where he gave me a whole bottle of paranoid which I drank and he fucked me repeatedly. I was raped in the woods many times after school and eventually his wife discovered what was happening and left him taking his children & telling him she would not come back unless he stopped it!
That night he asked me to meet him to tell me this, I went to his house, He locked me in and raped me in their bed, keeping me in the house until late the next morning where I had to be silent as his dad was in the next room…
After his dad left I was shoved out the front door and told that was it, don’t talk to him at school anymore he would loose his job and his wife and family and it would be y fault.
I left school the next week!!!!
Quit my education because of this…
I have never told my family my friends about what happened to me… I told my husband, who I met at 17 and married at 22.
We have a 12 year old son but my husband was unfaithful to me whilst I was pregnant and left when our son was 3 weeks old…
I was in a relationship with a man I love for 3 years and also told about my past, we have very recently split up 2 months ago. He asked me to leave…
I am again feeling devastated after finally feeling I could trust someone with the sacredness of my body and after I have he has turned out to be just like the others….
I realize right now how the pattern of what happened to me at 16 is still impacting my life today at 39 and I wonder and long for the end of the trauma it as caused me and still causes me!!!
I do not trust any man any more with the sacredness of body. They have betrayed me time and time again.,.
But more than that I am still betraying myself time and time again by allowing myself to be treated this way!!!
How can I stop the pain of this from continuing to screw up any chance I have of relating to others.. I realise I have been isolating myself from people / friends ever since
Thank you for hearing me!!!