I hate myself for what happened. I know it was my fault no matter what people could say to convince me otherwise. I was very depression and suicidal. I was self harming. I finally came clean to my family about the self destructive path I was running and I was sent to a psych hospital. There I met him. He was obnoxious and I was not physically attracted to him. But my mind was sick and twisted and I found something alluring about him. After we both got out I went to his house and he made out with me. I know I didn’t want to but I was caught up in it. We had a rocky relationship in and out of communication. Eventually, on September 21st 2014 I went to his apartment. We had been planning to have sex and I brought the condoms. When I got there I was terrified. I wanted to back out. I wanted to go home but since I couldn’t I wanted to watch tv or play cards. He told me we didn’t have to do it if I wasn’t comfortable but that he would fe el really let down and sad about it. It made me feel guilty. I let him get on top of me but then I got scared again. I tried to talk him out of it but he wouldn’t listen. He had sex with me three times that night and forced me to give him a hand job. I don’t know if what happened was rape. I used to clearly define it as such but it’s so muddy to me now. I know I didn’t want sex and I know I expressed that to him all three times but I did go to his house with intent for sex.
Anyway. After that, about seven months after that I remembered that I went to my female neighbors house and there she forced me to pull my pants down and touched me. I was eight and she was thirteen. It turned out her sister was sexually abused so she was experimenting herself so maybe it wasn’t her fault. Nonetheless I felt so violated that I blocked it out of my mind for eight years. Now that I’ve remembered it I feel very distant from it. A pit forms in my stomach but then I push it away.
August/September of 2016 I started having horrible flashbacks to things I never could’ve imagined. I remembered what it felt like. I realized I was sexually abused when I was younger. When I use the bathroom I get triggered when I make a stool because it hurts and feels as though I am being raped anally again. I remember my head being pushed down and forced to give a blow job. I feel hands on my thighs pushing. I feel his face and head “down there” and I feel his hair against my hands as I tried to push him away. I also remember him inside of me. I feel dirty and gross and don’t really remember who it was or how long it happened. I am starting to come to the conclusion that it was my now ex uncle. I look at pictures of him and fear rises and I get the memories. I also remember hiding from him once and he found me and was very angry. Then I remember him forcing me to sit on his lap.
I’m sorry this is gross and graphic but I’m so confused about my life right now.
— Isabelle, age 18