I hate myself for what happened. I know it was my fault no matter what people could say to convince me otherwise. I was very depression and suicidal. I was self harming. I finally came clean to my family about the self destructive path I was running and I was sent to a psych hospital. There I met him. He was obnoxious and I was not physically attracted to him. But my mind was sick and twisted and I found something alluring about him. After we both got out I went to his house and he made out with me. I know I didn’t want to but I was caught up in it. We had a rocky relationship in and out of communication. Eventually, on September 21st 2014 I went to his apartment. We had been planning to have sex and I brought the condoms. When I got there I was terrified. I wanted to back out. I wanted to go home but since I couldn’t I wanted to watch tv or play cards. He told me we didn’t have to do it if I wasn’t comfortable but that he would fe el really let down and sad about it. It made me feel guilty. I let him get on top of me but then I got scared again. I tried to talk him out of it but he wouldn’t listen. He had sex with me three times that night and forced me to give him a hand job. I don’t know if what happened was rape. I used to clearly define it as such but it’s so muddy to me now. I know I didn’t want sex and I know I expressed that to him all three times but I did go to his house with intent for sex.
Anyway. After that, about seven months after that I remembered that I went to my female neighbors house and there she forced me to pull my pants down and touched me. I was eight and she was thirteen. It turned out her sister was sexually abused so she was experimenting herself so maybe it wasn’t her fault. Nonetheless I felt so violated that I blocked it out of my mind for eight years. Now that I’ve remembered it I feel very distant from it. A pit forms in my stomach but then I push it away.
August/September of 2016 I started having horrible flashbacks to things I never could’ve imagined. I remembered what it felt like. I realized I was sexually abused when I was younger. When I use the bathroom I get triggered when I make a stool because it hurts and feels as though I am being raped anally again. I remember my head being pushed down and forced to give a blow job. I feel hands on my thighs pushing. I feel his face and head “down there” and I feel his hair against my hands as I tried to push him away. I also remember him inside of me. I feel dirty and gross and don’t really remember who it was or how long it happened. I am starting to come to the conclusion that it was my now ex uncle. I look at pictures of him and fear rises and I get the memories. I also remember hiding from him once and he found me and was very angry. Then I remember him forcing me to sit on his lap.
I’m sorry this is gross and graphic but I’m so confused about my life right now.
— Isabelle, age 18
Dear Isabelle – I feel so much pain in your post. I know you’ve heard this before but I just have to tell you again that none of this is your fault. Consent can be revoked so even if you went to his house for sex, you saying no is enough. Or should have been. Even if you had revoked consent when you started having sex… that’s still allowed. And as for your neighbor, her situation doesn’t make it your fault either. But here’s the thing… I can tell you none of it was your fault but that doesn’t mean that what happened doesn’t hurt. Of course it hurts. Your post isn’t gross; it’s your story. And I read every word of it and still think you deserve so much love and support. I would encourage you really strongly to find a therapist to talk to. He/she can help you work through the fear you’re feeling and all the other emotions that come along with it. It’s so heavy to carry alone and someone helping you can make the burden just a little lighter. Sending you love, Alexis