July 12 2008. That wasn’t the day I was raped. It was the day I was to be married to my rapist. He developed a drinking problem. He was always verbally abusive, though I didn’t recognize it at first. When he became physically abusive in November 2007, I began my escape.
I let him pull me back in though…I always thought if he got help we’d be together and for a moment I thought he had. Social media was advanced enough at that time for me to find out he was falling into old patterns. I ended the rekindling.
A few months later he was moving to Louisiana. He needed someone to watch the house he bought and the dog we had. I had been living with my parents and was getting sick of being 22 with a ‘curfew’. He asked me to move back and watch the house and dog.
He wasn’t supposed to be there. My dad had said when I told him I was moving that I couldn’t move back. If this didn’t work out I had no where to go. I was to have a new roommate whom I’d never met, except for the phone calls when my exe has gone thru his sucidial phase. (He use to call me almost daily with a shot gun in his mouth, now that I am older I don’t understand why I’d move back in. I really thought we belonged together).
The night I moved in, he was not going to be there. He was with a friend and then flying out the next morning. It took three trips in my Aveo to move…and I didn it all by myself.
I had been in a car accident a few years before that left me with some pain issues. After the move, I got dinner in, drank a beer, and took a reflexoral.
A few hours I woke up with my exe on top of me, inside of me, with his hand against my throat. He kept whispering to me about how we belonged to each other, we’d end up together whether we were single, married, widowed. HE owned me, that’s what he said.
I wanted to scream but I didn’t know my roommate who was also a man, I was afraid. After burning my folks. I had no where to go. I took it till it was done then slept on the floor. The next morning I drove him to where he was going to meet his ride for the airport.
He thought we’d made love. He was so drunk he didn’t remember begging no, crying, sleeping on the floor. He woke up that next morning thinking we were in the first step to reconciliation. I had a boyfriend at the time and just wanted my exe to leave. I didn’t have the heart or the guys to tell him he raped me, and I hate myself for that. At that time though, it would have been my fault , not his.
I went to therapy and thought I was over it, but recently (like the last year) I think about it daily. I hate myself for it. He is married and I don’t want to ruin him, but this has ruined me and it is so unfair.
Tonight it has hit me hard. I don’t have the heart to tell my husband. I just want to cry or die or something.
I just needed to say something.
— Courtnie, age 32
Dear Courtnie – thank you so much for sharing your story here. What your ex did to you is NOT your fault. I know it’s so easy to hate yourself but please know it’s not your fault. You are not ruined. Crying is ok – it’s a release of emotions and it sounds like you could use that. You don’t have to defend your decision to not tell your boyfriend. Everyone handles things differently and in the best way they know how and that’s what you did.
I think therapy can work in doses. That is, you work through some stuff, then maybe take a break. But I wonder sometimes if we’ve ever fully worked through things. It might be worth trying therapy again. It’s also worth noting that a lot has been in the news recently that could have brought up some stuff that was buried pretty deep. The therapist might be able to help you move the thoughts out of your head. If you want to, the therapist could also work with you on how to tell your husband (again, if you want to) or how to report it if that’s an option you want to pursue and that is available to you.
Sending you lots of love, Alexis
I know I’m 4 days late and I’m sorry, but I really think you should tell your husband and more people, if you’re ready. They’ll support you throughout the healing process. If they don’t, they don’t deserve to be a part of your life. I know this has hit you hard but speaking up like this was taking the first step toward healing, and it’s an amazing display of courage and taking back your power. No one can take your voice away from you. Healing is possible for everyone. I really think you should get help with this, and see a therapist or some kind of professional like Alexis said. You’re really brave for sharing this. I admire your courage and your strength in coming so far, that’s not an easy task for any rape survivor, and the fact that you’ve done it is the first sign that you’ll be okay one day. It doesn’t feel like it now, but I know you will. Tell people. Let it out. It’s going to be okay, I promise. You’ll be okay. I know you can get through this, please believe in yourself like we believe in you.