It’s My Fault

I was a sophomore, pretty innocent, a B student, I dated a senior. Bad boy, drug dealer. I found him exciting, intriguing, not boring. once we were kissing. I didn’t want to have sex that day, wasn’t up to it. But he got on top of me, took off clothes, spread legs, trying to get me to change my mind. I fought. But it wasn’t too different from what we normally did, we liked to wrestle. This was going further than normal. I was scared he wouldn’t listen to me because I knew he wanted to get me pregnant. After fighting and telling him no a few times, he stopped. I continued dating him. I think I liked the danger. I think I like the risk. 4 years after break up goes by, I agree to see him again. Nothing to do so we go to his house. In the car after, joking, he said only reason why I wouldn’t do that (rape) is because of the police. If it weren’t for the law, he would have raped me that day. Some men’s mindsets can be scary…

Another time, I was a St Patty’s day get together with friends I’ve known for years, my senior year. 3 boys whom I thought were my friends, whom I thought I could trust.. I drank too much too fast, of & course, one the them kept giving me more. I didn’t notice because I was having too much fun. I blacked out, next thing I know I wake up confused, naked, and downstairs in a room I didn’t recognize. They drove me home, I was still shocked and confused. Later I texted them talking about what had happened. I said it’s okay.. only because they were drunk too. Looking back…I hate them with a passion. You’d never think something like that would happen to you, until it does.

— Survivor, age 19