I’m a small town girl living on her own for the first time in a really big city going to college. I’ve been dating my boyfriend (who lives 5 hours away) for almost 5 years and one night I went out with some friends and ended up getting really wasted to where I blacked out for most of that night. Fast forward 7 weeks later I notice signs of pregnancy but didn’t get an ultrasound until 9 weeks in the pregnancy. At the time, I thought it was my boyfriend (it would be impossible to be anyone else’s as I’ve been exclusive with him) but the timeline she gave me didn’t match with the times by boyfriend came out to see me. In fact, she was about 2 weeks off and I assumed it must’ve been a mistake. It wasn’t until I spoke to another friend about this and she mentioned to me that 9 weeks ago I told her about that night and how I’ve gotten so wasted. The pieces fell together and I realized it wasn’t my boyfriend’s and today I still wouldn’t be able to tell you who it was. I may have been date raped at the club as my friends mentioned how I had gotten drinks at the club from different guys but they said they “took care of me”. On the other hand, a guy friend (that was my friend too) said he took me to the bathroom that night but didn’t do anything because he said I was hammered. I slightly remember going to the bathroom but other than that I have no recollection of anything that happened before of after until the next day. When I found this out, I was too depressed to keep digging. At this point I didn’t want to know or find out. I got an abortion but I decided to get one before I even found out I was raped. Somehow, I feel like this was my karma. I’ve never felt so disgusting, disappointed and hurt ever before in my life. I cry randomly and I don’t speak to anyone about it anymore (including my boyfriend). We’re still together and he knows all of this but the truth is I’ve lost interest in everything. Sex, myself, my school, my future. I feel like a failure and almost like it’s my fault that this happened to me. Now, I no longer drink (at all) nor smoke or anything. I’ve gotten better with my depression as I turn to God but somehow feel like I’m not worthy of him either.
I just feel so lost and I’m never finding my old self again. Much less, be happy as I used to be. I used to be optimistic but now it’s all b******.
— Survivor, age 23
It is not your fault. I repeat it is not your fault. I understand how frustrating it can be to lose interest in everything, but hang in there. I won’t lie and say you will wake up one day and it will all go away. There will be good days and bad days.I know how scary that can be- I was sexually assaulted by a stranger as well and I hardly remember it. I am glad you were able to talk to someone about it and that your boyfriend seems to be supportive through this. I believe that we will never be as we used to be before this happened. That is okay. We grieve our old selves and form a new self. All we can do is start our next chapter in moving forward and it sounds like you have made progress with finding God through this. You are worthy of him. What you decided to do with your body is okay. You didn’t have a choice in the matter when the sexual assault occurred. Hang in there – and every little step no matter how small is progress. You are strong, whole and complete.
You are not worthless. You HAVE to rise from this because your life depends on it. You cannot live like this anymore. It’s one thing to grieve, it’s another to be on the verge of suicide. Take some self defense classes, talk to a therapist, you have to know and try to remember what happened because your life and every second of it is so important. You will eventually forgive yourself and will press the reset button from here on out. I know you’re in pain right now please stay focused on God and what he can do. It takes a village. YOU NEED COUNSELING. YOU NEED TO GET HELP! You need to cut your friends off, and if your boyfriend isn’t supportive… him too. Love and peace wherever you are.
Dear survivor – thank you so much for sharing here. What happened IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!!! Feeling lost and depressed after what happened is normal and I would strongly encourage you to talk to a therapist to help you work through those feelings. You may not ever go back to “who you were” but you can feel strong, whole, and happy again. It’s not easy and it takes time but I know you can do it and I believe in you. I would also encourage you – if you feel like you can – to reach out to a friend or family member you can trust and talk about it when you feel you need to. You don’t have to carry this all alone and it can be so helpful to share what you’re feeling with those who love you – you DESERVE to have that love and support in your life. You are worthy of healing and I will be sending you love and light! Love, Alexis
It’s not your fault! Somebody ELSE did this to YOU. Never give up on your faith in God. And never give up on getting better and finding happiness. What they say is true, things truly do get better. With God, life won’t always be dandy but you have Him. He’s a shoulder to cry on, a fatherly figure to talk to, a person to lean your understanding on, someone to build a relationship with(sorry if I might be coming off as a Bible-basher).
Just try not to dwell on the past, as hard as it is. I know it’s probably a lot easier said than done. Focus on moving forward, refreshing your mind and soul as a whole. I hope the best for you and I’ll be praying <3