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It’s my fault

I’m a small town girl living on her own for the first time in a really big city going to college. I’ve been dating my boyfriend (who lives 5 hours away) for almost 5 years and one night I went out with some friends and ended up getting really wasted to where I blacked out for most of that night. Fast forward 7 weeks later I notice signs of pregnancy but didn’t get an ultrasound until 9 weeks in the pregnancy. At the time, I thought it was my boyfriend (it would be impossible to be anyone else’s as I’ve been exclusive with him) but the timeline she gave me didn’t match with the times by boyfriend came out to see me. In fact, she was about 2 weeks off and I assumed it must’ve been a mistake. It wasn’t until I spoke to another friend about this and she mentioned to me that 9 weeks ago I told her about that night and how I’ve gotten so wasted. The pieces fell together and I realized it wasn’t my boyfriend’s and today I still wouldn’t be able to tell you who it was. I may have been date raped at the club as my friends mentioned how I had gotten drinks at the club from different guys but they said they “took care of me”. On the other hand, a guy friend (that was my friend too) said he took me to the bathroom that night but didn’t do anything because he said I was hammered. I slightly remember going to the bathroom but other than that I have no recollection of anything that happened before of after until the next day. When I found this out, I was too depressed to keep digging. At this point I didn’t want to know or find out. I got an abortion but I decided to get one before I even found out I was raped. Somehow, I feel like this was my karma. I’ve never felt so disgusting, disappointed and hurt ever before in my life. I cry randomly and I don’t speak to anyone about it anymore (including my boyfriend). We’re still together and he knows all of this but the truth is I’ve lost interest in everything. Sex, myself, my school, my future. I feel like a failure and almost like it’s my fault that this happened to me. Now, I no longer drink (at all) nor smoke or anything. I’ve gotten better with my depression as I turn to God but somehow feel like I’m not worthy of him either.
I just feel so lost and I’m never finding my old self again. Much less, be happy as I used to be. I used to be optimistic but now it’s all b******.

— Survivor, age 23


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